Day 93 ~ Frustration

The day didn't quite go the way I expected, and I found myself in an unusual, bad mood. The most common bad feeling I have is sadness, and I can occasionally be upset in passing. But today I was possessed by a terrible mood. I was trying to make progress in teaching my son Spanish syntax, and he was slower than ever. What I envisioned finishing in ten minutes took us more than an hour. When I went to make lunch, the potatoes I counted on having cut by my boyfriend were as whole as the day they were harvested (he forgot). To make matters worse, I jammed my right thumb two days ago playing volleyball and it was getting in the way of anything I tried to do. In my race against the clock to finish before my son's German lesson, I would accidentally bump it and jump in pain. I felt so helpless, yet I couldn't ask for help because my boyfriend was not home and I wanted my son to finally finish the homework I had given him. Time solved all my problems. My son's teacher arrived and whatever he had, he had. Like it or not, time was up, and so was my mood. My needless frustration dissolved.

Day 92 ~ Impressions

"The first impression is the one that counts." I've known for years that to not always be true. The first impression carries our conditioning, our prejudices. I've often experienced getting to know someone and completely changing my opinion from the first encounter. So yes, they aren't always accurate, but isn't our conditioning the knowledge we've accumulated over the years? Today was my fourth visit at a dental office. The first impression was that the provider was a bit belligerent with his words and not gentle with his hands. At the second visit, he was sloppy completing a procedure he had prescribed for me. A third one was set to patch the work of the second. There he was simply rough, not just around the edges. Decided. I won't be back! My first impression, his roughness, was exactly right.

Day 91 ~ Down

The past couple of days I have noticed getting the blues. A mixture of low energy, a tendency to laziness, and a dash of anxiety. The combo has crept in slowly but surely, managing to go unnoticed. But today it has become evident, and if I don't do anything, the negative feelings will settle in me like a virus in a host. I need to take action. I remember the lessons I have just been learning this month. If something goes wacko in my mind, I can no longer use my mind to fix it. But I am a cocktail of chemicals, and those I can control. I can go out and walk. Walk fast, until my body releases the hormones that will make me feel better. I can make it happen if only I bypass the mind, who tells me I am lazy and I don't feel like walking. Yes, I can do that. It'd be foolish to let my mind bring me down.

Day 90 ~ Outsider

Given that my volleyball gym is closed for the holidays, I headed to a different one. I left home early to avoid the traffic, arrived almost an hour earlier, parked and approached the lobby. Once I found out how the gym worked, I went back to the car and read my book. I returned fifteen minutes before it started and lined up. In front of me there were some twenty people. We all had in common our desire to play volleyball. Aside from that, there were two kinds of people: those whose age was half of mine, and those whose age I tripled. Nothing to worry, just a fact of life, this was a high-school and college kind of gym. I held my spot and overheard bits of the conversation between the two people in front of me. Several minutes later, I looked back and among the next twenty who arrived after me, I spotted one more player over forty. Woo-hoo! At that point, one of the two friends in front of me decided to go to the bathroom and the other asked me: "Do you come here often?" "No, it is my first time. How about you?" "Oh, I haven't been here in over a year." At that point, I confessed that I felt out of place. "I figured that's how you'd be feeling, and that's why I approached you, to make you feel better," he said. His friendliness surprised me, but granted, he was older than I expected, a biochemistry senior. We talked some more until it was time to pay and get in the gym. We put ourselves on the same team and won some games. Thank you, Ryan and Alston, for being inclusive.

Day 89 ~ Money

I am not winning this battle. I hope it is just an age related thing, but my teenager thinks money is the best he can hope for. Wherever we are, he makes an assessment about his surroundings: poor people, rich people; poor houses, rich houses. I can't blame only him, as the world make us believe money is a great provider. And I can't say it is only now, It has really always been so. However, I have usually detested money, particularly in the hands of those who flaunt it. And even the one in my family, I was never interested in. By age 15 my parents had told me more than once how much money I would get should they die unexpectedly. I am sure they did it so that I realized how well they had provided for me, which is commendable. However, I really couldn't care less about the life insurance amount. Somehow, I am not succeeding in instilling that in my 14-year old.

Day 88 ~ Jealousy

She didn't want to envy anyone, she knew envy was a capital sin. She just wished.
She wished she had a sibling.
She wished she had not been a shy teenager.
She wished she hadn't lost her high-school sweetheart to a car accident.
She wished college had been all straight As like school.
She wished she had had three children.
She wished her husband hadn't had cancer and died.
She wished she could have a stellar career.
She's happy, she just has wishes.

Day 87 ~ Humor

I coincidentally found a comedy club around the corner and I took my boyfriend to a show there tonight. It was my first time in forever watching stage humor. Before the star headliner arrived, three other comedians tried to make us laugh but didn't succeed for the most part. It must be so hard to stand up in front of people and get a laughter from them. And worse, how do comedians motivate themselves to rehearse? Repeating the same lines again and again can't be funny. I am glad I don't have that vocation... and even more so that our main performer does! He made us laugh. Among his strengths, perfectly imitating Indian accent. Every time he included it in his lines, everyone burst into laughter.

Day 86 ~ Impact

When in the depths of despair, nothing like imagining what the world would be like had we not been born. That is the plot of It's a Wonderful Life, a movie that is as old as my mother but never out of fashion. We summoned our friends today to watch it together. An interesting aspect of the film is that the villain doesn't redeem himself, as it is the case in many other movies. I like the idea because it reminds me that we should not count on evil disappearing, but lay it all on ourselves to make of this a better world. And that is the key principle of the movie: the plot premise stands as long as we actually make a difference in the lives of those around us.

Day 85 ~ Baking

Tomorrow we are hosting a "chocolate, waffles, and movie" evening with our friends to celebrate Christmas in advance. I am also going to put together a small care package for each family. Inside, baked goods. I've spent more than four hours looking up recipes and baking. Initially, I didn't have eggs, so I focused on recipes with no eggs. I found a chocolate one. Then I saw that the big bag of whole-wheat flour had an orange almond cake recipe. It called for an egg, but I just added more liquid in some other form. Then the eggs arrived and I made banana cupcakes and a lemon cake. In the end, the chocolate cake looked amazing, with a silky surface. As for taste, the general public would have rated it as  "not sweet enough," but that is a condition we don't consider a problem. The almond cake needed to be discarded. My boyfriend, who is a great eater, said that it was awful. We think it was the skin on the toasted almonds. Sad, I rarely throw out food. The lemon cake and the cupcakes were very good. Each holiday box will have two banana cupcakes, two servings of chocolate cake, and a thick slice of lemon cake cut in two. On the outside, "Happy Holidays" or "Merry Christmas" in the languages of the recipients.

Day 84 ~ Lifetime

When I was born, most people had black and white TVs and nobody drove with seat belts on. In fifth grade I was lucky to be introduced to a new programming language... BASIC. Soon after, my family bought the first computer, an Atari, which had just appeared in the market two years earlier. Half way through college, my telecommunications teacher said in the future we would all carry a cellular phone, which seemed unbelievable to most people. My last semester of college I studied in Germany and used a cool new thing to communicate with other classmates studying abroad: email. Also at that time the world saw the birth of the first web browser, accessible mostly by universities. That was half a life ago. Not much later, the future my professor predicted came into being, less than ten year after his forecast. Count fifteen more years and our phones do everything for us: they wake us up, keep our daily agendas, give us directions, take photographs, play music for us, pay our groceries. I have less than half a life left, and I wonder what lay in store. Whatever it is, I hope it doesn't dehumanize us. The many hours we spend on our phones have already.

Day 83 ~ Inspiration

I recently found an inspirational speaker, a doctor that brings medicine closer to empower us. He would like us to understand that our emotions can get in the way of achieving our goals. That simple idea that has been suspected for more than two millennia can now be proved by technology. Nothing is really magical. A negative mental state releases hormones that impair the proper functioning of our prefrontal cortex, responsible for our highest-level cognitive abilities. Stress is designed to save us from perils but not to help us find creative solutions to the problems that life throws at us. When we tell ourselves: "I can't do it, I'm not good at that," we are bombarding our cells with cortisol and that emotional barrier suppresses our creativity. As we go through the trials and tribulations of life, we all carry two voices within ourselves, "the chatterbox" who kidnaps our emotions and "the inner master" who pushes us to seek new horizons. Which one do we want to follow?

Day 82 ~ Red

Do you know those times when you make an embarrassing mistake and just wish you could rewind time a bit and replay the scene? In Spanish we have a very descriptive expression for the feeling we experience at that point: "Earth, swallow me." To add insult to injury, some people turn red, as if they didn't have enough being the center of attention for an unwanted reason. In my case, it is "seasonal." For a long time I keep my cool, and then suddenly, blood rushes to my cheeks one good day and, as if I had awakened a dormant virus, I start blushing for months at a time. I'm at a good phase now, so I hope I don't wake up the monster just by randomly thinking about it today.

Day 81 ~ Acknowledgment

It is nice to hear someone admit responsibility in a situation that didn't go well. Even better, hear the same person recognize our merit in something we did right. Both circumstances happened in the past, but I got credit now, when I least expected it. And magically, some wounds in me have started to heal. The power of words.

Day 80 ~ Wounds

Wounds come in many forms. Forgiving those who apologize for doing us wrong is hard, but forgiving ourselves for personal failures is often harder. And how does one forgive life's blows? It requires tremendous strength to do that. And yet, walking the path of forgiveness is needed to close a wound. The challenge is that even if we manage to do that, can we heal without scars? That takes formidable effort, determination, and skill. We will need not just energy, but the grit to persevere even if we still see the wound and feel the pain. The road may be long and winded, so we'd better arm ourselves with the best resources and advisers and call on our inner strength. We ought to follow through until we see only the shadow of what was once a wound. Only then can we rest. It is not a battle we want to lose. Scars are for ever.

Day 79 ~ Blurry

That is how I see it all these days. Literally. When I was seven years old, an eye exam revealed that I was slightly far sighted and the doctor prescribed glasses for reading and writing. For two decades I followed his orders. After college, I limited its use to computers, although I could see perfectly fine without them. The first time I actually needed them was at age 38, when learning how to write Chinese characters. The strokes were just too small to do it without glasses in the not-well-lit classrooms of my community college. But it wasn't until age 45 that I suffered the real decline: losing my perfect far vision. I understand tissues lose flexibility over time and lenses can no longer accommodate, I have heard it for a long time. However, I don't think it is so much age related, but more the result of the many hours I've spent in front of a computer in the past three years. Throughout them I have steadily lost both far and close vision, and particularly so in the past six months. And it is a loss that I mourn daily. If I could change one thing about my physical make-up, that'd be it.

Day 78 ~ Mentoring

A friend's son, at only 16, is a gifted child, especially when it comes to programming. I met him last summer in Spain and he said he would share with me some of his work. Last month he sent me a five-minute video showcasing his project and a twenty-five-minute one explaining how he did it. With the business of life, weeks went by until yesterday, that I decided not to go to sleep without responding to him. I watched the short one first and I liked the graphics. In watching the longer one, several ideas and suggestions to improve it came to mind. I wrote to him and this morning I found a very enthusiastic email responding to my questions and welcoming my suggestions. I hadn't yet got out of bed and I was already smiling, thinking how easy it is to make a difference in someone's life, if only we commit to staying present. 

Day 77 ~ Privacy

What will privacy look like fifty years from now? The Internet era has made our journey on earth traceable. As long as we don't become public figures, our data won't be made known to the public. Like mafia bosses, we could choose to leave our cell phones at home and share information only in person, although it would be an inconvenience. But what worries me most is the threat to our brains--we used to believe our ideas were safe, but... for how long? I hope we put in place laws that prevent our thoughts from being read, stored, and used without our permission.

Day 76 ~ Service

Today we had a national day of mourning for the death of a former president. It got me wondering what I would like to be remembered for. I naturally won't have the outreach of a head of state, but in my small community, I would like to be useful. At a different time of my life I provided inspiration to people. Currently, I feel I am most valuable to my son. I don't know what my next stop will be, but I sure hope I find a way to continue being of service to others.

Day 75 ~ Authentic

It's incredible how much of what we do is driven by the image we want to portray. Yet, we all have sides that we wish to hide from others. In a personal development class I took three years ago, I heard for the first time the expression "being authentic." We spent hours deciphering our hidden agendas, the true motivators for our actions. Authentic people are not ashamed of being seen as they truly are. They do have things they are not proud of, but they strive to align who they are with who they want to be. I am more authentic now than a year ago, but I have a lot to develop in that realm.

Day 74 ~ Patience

Not one of my virtues. I was disappointed today because I wanted to send a Christmas package and my son had not finalized his writing on the card, forcing me to take all the packaging materials, stickers, labels, and markers to the post office. The long line wasn't enough to finish the card and wrap the present, so we were sent to the side when our turn arrived. My level of stress was very high at that point, but in retrospect, it looks insignificant. Yes, my son hadn't helped me in putting the present together or in signing the card on time, but agonizing about it was not going to help the situation. His attitude from that point on made all the difference. He stayed calm despite my complaints and made my wrapping job easy. I admire his composure.

Day 73 ~ Forgiveness

I once read that resentment is a poison you take thinking it will hurt someone else. This morning I woke up with hurt feelings that I had been carrying for more than a day. A conversation took place and, although I didn't feel fully satisfied as a result, by the evening all the hard feelings were gone. And all that happened naturally, without me even thinking about it. While I am really glad not to be poisoning myself, I also wonder why some people don't have such an easy time forgiving. Were their own mistakes not forgiven? What heartaches lead them to hold on to resentment? Current research shows that it is not just a quote--bearing a grudge literally damages our body both by debilitating white cells and preventing new brain cells from developing. Based on that alone, besides reducing the duration of hurt feelings, I should aim to let go of them without even a conversation, as the option is not always available. 

Day 72 ~ Art

I attended an unusual party, an all-day event with various interesting activities throughout the day, including an art session with a local artist from the tango community. A dozen adults and a couple of children joined. She laid out paper and art media on six rectangular tables in a dedicated room. I stared at an unopened box of pastels--the last time I used that material could have been 35 years ago. Inside, two rows of forty small triangular prisms arranged in perfect color order. A rich impossible rainbow to express myself, wondrous! I sat by a special person whose sister, my friend, died four months ago at age forty-four. I was struggling with hurt feelings and sitting by her side gave me comfort. We were instructed to close our eyes and pause for a few minutes before starting. "What is it that you want to create?" I could hear the sweet voice of my Korean art teacher, then silence. Time to start. I took the reddest red, the color of my feelings, and guided it to the center of the sheet. I followed with the darkest yellow, the other color of my country's flag. Next I picked turquoise, my favorite, and made waves on the lower part of my canvas. My sky was two hues of gold that blended perfectly in the middle.

Day 71 ~ Disconnect

I didn't use to understand the term "connect" when talking about people. If people love each other, they surely connect with each other, I used to think. Now I know that some people disconnect their emotions when they don't serve them or when they are not ready to deal with them, and they do it as easily as turning off a light switch. I have a hard time dealing with those people, especially if I love them. When a human being I care about hurts me, I seek him, meet him, confront him, I want to resolve my feelings then and there. I have learned over the years that I may find someone who avoids me, escapes the situation, postpones the resolution... in sum: disconnects.

Day 70 ~ Intricate

After a conversation with a friend, that is what comes to mind that we, humans, are. She is supposed to know me well, but when I described to her my view on a particular situation I needed to take action on, she told me that what she saw was different, an ulterior motive, not as a result of malice, but coming from a blind spot. What I believe drives me--she thinks--is not my true motive but just what I would like it to be. In my defense, I told her I am not so sophisticated. "I am sure that neither my boyfriend nor my counselor would agree with your analysis and I am not as smart as to fool both." She said that doesn't prove her wrong. True. Everything is possible. I may not be who I think I am. Of course, I don't think so.

Day 69 ~ Romantic

What if it were true? That things happen for a reason, that everything is interconnected, and that there is a path for everyone of us that ultimately leads to happiness. I was lying down tonight by my boyfriend's side, having his head rest on my left shoulder. He reached for his guitar, placed it almost perpendicularly to our bodies, and started playing and singing, despite the awkward position. I sang along. Then he chose a love song and I just listened. "Do you love me?" I asked. He nodded as he continued singing. I felt a burst of emotions emerge and blur my vision. Happiness and loss swallowed in the same tears. My husband's last hobby was guitar, but he could only practice it for four months before he died. His love was reaching me through my boyfriend, who discovered the same hobby two years after my husband died. He completed the job, the lessons, the training... the labor of love. I don't know it is true, but it certainly is romantic.

Day 68 ~ Travel

I started planning a cruise today, an idea that got planted in my brain just a couple of days ago. Besides my native Spain and my adoptive United States, I have visited Portugal, England, Greece, France, Canada, The Czech Republic, Germany, Austria, Switzerland, Italy, Russia, Mexico, Puerto Rico, French Polynesia, China, Belgium, The Netherlands, Ecuador, Denmark, Norway, Jamaica, Dominican Republic, Iceland, Hungary. That is how important traveling is for me.

Day 67 ~ Wisdom

Today I peeled through layers of thoughts and feelings to make a judgment call. In the afternoon I entertained doing something that would bring happiness to someone, even though the receiver of my attentions hadn't asked me. Normally, the idea of making someone happy is a big driving force for me, so by the end of the day I was very close to taking the action. But I could also see a few downsides, so I thought of running it by a good friend. She thought it could be a great idea, if only I proposed it in a completely different way. I couldn't relate to her approach in my current circumstances. I wanted it to be a surprise, while she thought that was an imposition of sorts. I hung up with her rethinking it all in my brain. At that point, my boyfriend came. I summarized in three minutes my two-hour conversation with my friend and with a simple sentence, he brought clarity of mind. The fog was gone and I could clearly see that I wouldn't proceed because, although well intentioned, my idea wasn't as good as the alternative. My perseverance in making the best possible decision, her dedication to help me think things through, and his ultimate wisdom lifted the confusion and brought me peace of mind.

Day 66 ~ Debate

Today I joined the monthly meeting of a group that discusses topics that matter. Since the organizer is my friend, I had requested attendance to discuss a particular topic that interested me. I aimed to gain knowledge through hearing different perspectives, as I didn't have a formed opinion. We discussed that and other topics and what impressed me the most was my friend's ability to act as a moderator. I know he is often opinionated, but it didn't show. He made everyone speak and would often play devil's advocate in order to test different lines of thinking. I wonder if I would be capable of such an exercise.

Day 65 ~ Generations

While walking around the park, I passed a couple walking down slowly: a young Asian woman and an old lady helped by a walker. I heard them speak in Chinese and imagined them being mother and daughter. When I completed my first tour around the park, I saw them walking the same street in the opposite direction and concluded that their age difference was bigger, two generations apart in all likelihood. The moment we crossed ways, I granted them a shy look and the young lady gave me a gorgeous smile in return. I quickly looked over the old lady and noticed similar traits on her face. The same beauty, just cured by time. I was touched by the view of the two generations, evolving but also preserving what they had in common. A grandmother sharing a walk in a land far away from her own but using her mother tongue with a granddaughter, who was in her native land but using the language of her ancestor. In light of the new report on rapid climate change and its devastating effects, I wonder if the view of the young woman and her grandma will be possible a hundred years from now.

Day 64 ~ Gender

Are women different that men? A friend brought up the eternal debate to our house party today. I have never experienced discrimination directly. My dad was always supportive of me. Not long ago he said: "I could not think any other way, how could I? I had you," which was a beautiful thing to say. My mom raised me to not serve men and to always be independent. I chose to study the hardest major at the hardest college of my country alongside a third of other women. Differences were not an issue for me, but I wasn't blind to the modus operandi of the world around me: both growing up and now as an adult living on the other side of the globe I keep seeing households where women cook and clean while men sit down to relax after work, and many of those times women had returned from an equally busy work day. And I can't come to terms with it being genetic. It is simply not. And as long as we teach our sons to be tough and strong and have good jobs while we raise our daughters to be submissive and clean and pretty, we'll keep hearing men complain about women not taking the initiative and just wanting men to maintain them, and we'll keep hearing women complain about men that are insensitive and don't provide for them emotionally. And we'll all regret hearing stories of gender abuse at school: "girls are mean to other girls" ... "boys get physical" ... Blame it on the genes!

Day 63 ~ Emotional

Our Thanksgiving host of seven years unexpectedly got emotional addressing his guests tonight before dinner. I was sitting far from him and didn't want to grab everyone's attention by doing so, but my instinct was to go give him a hug. As a matter of fact, I was emotional even before he started speaking. The moment he stood up and called our attention, I could guess something was up, as I don't recall him ever addressing us like that. His speech was short, just a heartfelt note to appreciate our being there. Others that he loves dearly could not, as a result of an acrimonious divorce. I could feel his pain. I had approached his place slowly and when he finished talking, I gave him the hug with my appreciation for his continuous hospitality.

Day 62 ~ Rain

Today we had the first rain of the season. By the end of the day I started feeling a bit down. From early age I noticed that gray days affect my mood. I have a history of low blood pressure, and on days with low atmospheric pressure, as if I ran out of fuel, my body machinery slows me down and I feel the blues. As a teenager or young adult, it may have led to an evening of crying for no good reason. Nowadays it doesn't usually reach that far. But I do notice that I need a higher dosage of affection. A distraction, like playing volleyball today, also works.

Day 61 ~ Sleep

Some days it just feels great to sleep. Yesterday I arrived home in the afternoon and felt really tired. I planned to take a nap, thirty to forty minutes. I fell asleep immediately, and for almost two hours I kept telling myself, "just a little bit more." Normally, if something weeks me up, I have a hard time falling asleep again. Not this time. I kept checking the phone every time I woke up, but my body kept thinking it needed more sleep. I feared I would have a hard time falling asleep last night. Far from it--I went to bed and fell asleep before midnight (something that hadn't happened in over a month) and I slept almost nine hours that night. My sleep tracking watch reported 3 hours and 13 minutes of deep sleep, which is an extra hour over my average deep sleep count.

Day 60 ~ Potatoes

The other day I read in the newspaper an article titled "The top 5 foods that make you gain weight and that you should completely eliminate from your diet." Among them was one of my favorites: fried potatoes. No matter whether it is French fries or bagged chips, they ain't good. Well, this afternoon I had a potato chip feast. I was hungry when I got home and after having a very healthy soup... I indulged in my favorite potato chips. I was on the phone, so they were convenient and I had also really missed them. What can I do! I love most things crispy.

Day 59 ~ Fulfillment

My son gave me a belated birthday present. Yesterday, the birthday balloon that had been roaming around the house for ten days, usually occupying the middle space between floor and ceiling, decided to make a break for it the moment we opened the door. With the outside air, as it was, much colder, before we could take action, my balloon rose up to the sky. This morning, my son greeted me in bed with two happy-birthday balloons and a note attached: "Happy Belated Birthday! Sorry for not getting you a present until today, but here it is. I love you very much, more than anyone. You are who helps me when I have problems, who teaches me principles and moral values, and you are who gave me all that I have. I love you! Kisses and hugs." Priceless.

Day 58 ~ OJ

Orange squeezer... what a useful small appliance to have close by! I don't know what I could do without it. A freshly squeezed orange juice is the most desirable drink I can think of besides water. Today I made one for my cleaning crew, since I was making one for myself. I love drinking it in one shot. And when I do, I have an image of my mom watching me after having handed me one and saying, "Breathe, daughter, breathe."

Day 57 ~ Keep

In moving my summer clothes out of the closet and replacing them with winter ones, I realized that my lack of space continues to grow. My problem is that I don't like getting rid of things. And I am not just talking about keepsakes. If something looks battered, OK, I can consider giving it to charity, but otherwise... why? My taste hasn't changed a lot and neither has my size. Today I tried on a pair of pants that I bought twenty-two years ago, and they fit me perfectly. But I still found myself in front of the puzzle: finding room for two new purses. In the end, I decided I could let go of some of my two-decade-old purses, despite their great shape. I have found a way to ease into it: giving them to my cleaning ladies. I let them on that I used to like them a lot but I don't use them anymore. I said, "If you don't like them, just pass them on." I find comfort in knowing that they actually keep a lot of the things I give them.

Day 56 ~ Tiramisù

I discovered this dessert in my twenties at Ciao, an Italian pizzeria that, lo and behold, still stands at the same location (I just checked). Not only that--my favorite pizza, Sandra, is still on the menu. Soon after, I went to study in Germany and met a professional cook, a transplant from Spain, who made tiramisù. I keep her recipe to this day, the oldest I have, typewritten. Less than five years later, I got the recipe from my Italian boyfriend's mom. I keep that one too, an email sent from her to him. My current recipe is very similar to that one, just varying some amounts. And that is something I love about tiramisù, that as long as the ingredients are the right ones, it always comes out fine despite small variations in quantity. As I have been doing for the past years, I'll bring tiramisù to my Thanksgiving host next week. I bought the lady fingers already today.

Day 55 ~ Potluck

Our parenting class came to an end today. We took an oral final exam given by the teenagers and received a certificate of completion signed by the school's counselor and principal. To celebrate our accomplishments, we brought ethnic foods to share: Indian potato dishes and breads, Chinese rice and noodles, Vietnamese egg rolls, German potato salad, and a Polish stew, among other specialties. I made "bacalao a la vizcaína" (salted cod stew with potatoes and red peppers). I don't know how the term "potluck" was coined, my native language doesn't have it and I don't know other languages that do. But I love the idea of sharing dishes and not burdening a host with lots of food preparations. 

Day 54 ~ Tenacity

I closed a great deal today. I have been working hard to find a tenant for an investment property. For a variety of reasons, it hasn't been as easy as other times. First, because the unit was occupied and it wasn't easy to show it. Second, because the departing tenants took very good care of the house leaving me with a high bar. And lastly, because the pool of candidates was considerably smaller than the previous time (I learned the hard way not to end a lease agreement in October). But my determination prevailed. I can't count how many things in life I have achieved because of my perseverance. Most of the important things, the unbelievable things I have attained, I did so through hard work. I am not convinced it is a virtue, as it prevents me from seeing when pulling out is a better option. But I have definitely walked a longer mile through this trait.

Day 53 ~ Exhaustive

Today I had a conversation with a friend with whom I have a uniquely enriching relationship. We admire each other. Every time we meet, he tells me that he learns a lot from me. And I think he has an incredible vision. He has been able to grow his net wealth by a lot in just a few years. Today we talked about candidate selection for a rental house. I was surprised to see that he didn't have a robust process implemented. I shared with him my process and he found it very useful: "You are so thorough." Yes, that is one of my personality traits. I don't leave anything to chance. I know there is a lot up to chance, I just don't give chance more than its inevitable, fair share.

Day 52 ~ Housework

Today my house was beyond messy, at least to my standards. I can tolerate some disorganization with paperwork, which I hide in my room. But when the clutter reaches the living room, it makes me really uncomfortable. The past few weeks have been very busy and it all piled up. But starting today, everything else important quieted down, and I needed to take action in my home. Because, I started to not just see an untidy living room, but also dirty laundry and summer clothes still not stored away for the winter, even though we are in November. With some progress under my belt by the end of the day, I am beginning to feel better. It will still take me a week before I can declare victory over chaos.

Day 51 ~ Deceptive

Like the saying goes, "looks can be deceiving." I went to bed last night wrestling with the decision of who to choose for a business deal. I had two suitable candidates, but neither was ideal. However, I knew I would need to pick one of them by the end of today. "I wish the perfect one showed up tomorrow at the open house," I said to myself. Being realistic, I was happy that I was going to meet in person one of the two candidates. Minutes before he arrived, a couple showed up at the open house. It bothered me that they would not give me the time I needed to learn more about the scheduled candidate. My annoyance grew when the candidate thanked me and left, but I didn't act on it. Instead, I took the time to learn about the new avenue and the more I learned, the more I liked the couple. By the end of the day, they had gone from being a bother to being the perfect candidates. 

Day 50 ~ Oxtail

It has been a long time since I last cooked it. Today was the day. I had to pull out the recipe that I took down 13 years ago on a fancy desk calendar called The Artful Life. Right pages display the days of the week to mark down engagements, while left pages have an illustration by the creator of the calendar (a graphic artist). To the left of that drawing, there is a vertical section labeled "doodle," that I found perfect to write my recipes. Today's lists oxtail, onion, carrot, tomatoes, garlic, saffron, ground pepper, and red wine as ingredients. I just learned that the English language offers a wonderful word to describe the technique used for this stew: braising. So I don't need to specify the steps, just mention that, for some reason, my recipe asks to add the wine after the dish has been cooking for fifteen minutes. I can't wait to eat it!

Day 49 ~ Love

I am lucky to have found love. Not once, but many times. Love is what matters to me most in life. A life without love is not a life worth living. I see any love relationship as a garden to be cared for by two gardeners. I make a point to water my gardens. Today my boyfriend nurtured ours in a very special manner--he gave me the best birthday present, a book called My Reasons Why. Twenty-seven pages full of what he finds special in me, each with an illustration representing us and a sentence about activities he enjoys doing with me and traits of mine that he appreciates. I read it through and by the end of it, tears were going down my cheeks. I loved the P.S.: "Can you please read this book if we ever fight?" (Three white hearts on the same row). "That way, you will remember exactly how i feel about you, and hopefully, forgive me more quickly :)"

Day 48 ~ Birthday

On this 48th day I celebrate my 48th birthday. My oldest memory of a birthday party is from when I turned eight. On a picture from that day, I am surrounded by many girls wearing school uniforms and just one boy, my neighbor. A couple of years later, I made a discovery at a friend's birthday party, something that was far from the usual Spanish fare: pancakes! I copied the idea and started celebrating my special day at a cafeteria that served them. Later on, as a teenager, I found "tarta Amor" (Love cake) and for many years that had to be served on my birthday. It is the most unique cake I have ever tried. Shaped like a yellow (burnt caramel) mountain, it hides layers of a special kind of meringue, some sort of unusual whipped cream, and a soft cake base. Until I moved to another continent. I was curious and just searched online if my favorite birthday fare still existed. Sadly, the chain is no longer in business. Today, I had no cake, just a tiramisù portion, courtesy of the restaurant where I had dinner with my friends.

Day 47 ~ Unconditional

It is already my birthday in Spain and my mom is the first one to send me her blessings. She does it with a photograph of baby me. She's sitting on the grass, holding me by the arms to make me stand up. I am smiling at the camera, which only captures an angled profile of hers, but clear enough to see she's beaming with joy looking at me. I respond to her text: "Thanks, mom. You look gorgeous." She says, "I reflect off you." She has always said the happiest day of her life is the day I was born. Humans have that privilege: our mothers love us unconditionally.

Day 46 ~ Futile

Last night I arrived home with a friend who would have dinner with us. I manged to put the key in the lock with difficulty, as I was carrying many things. She then turned it for me. This morning I couldn't find my keys. I asked her if she had taken them from the lock. She said no. I didn't remember doing it either. I looked everywhere, I reached out to my neighbors. I felt lucky nobody had stolen my car yet, but I spent the day worrying that someone would try to get in thinking there was no one home. At 3:30 pm I managed to talk to all my close neighbors and no one had seen them. So I decided it was time to act. I started searching online and soon it occurred to me that I could contact the locksmith I had used to put a deadbolt in the patio door four months before. (He mentioned then that his daughter was going to spend a semester in my hometown and I helped her evaluate housing options.) He responded quickly and told me that he would get me the locks and stop by my home to install them, not charging me any after-hours fees. At 6:30 I texted my friend saying that I had changed all four locks in my home. She called me and was very sorry about what happened. I told her I needed to rush to get a club for the car before the store closed. Five minutes later, she called saying the keys were in her purse. I couldn't believe my ears. She explained that they were in an outside pocket where she never puts anything (because it has no zipper and things would fall off), so she hadn't look there. Only in the evening, she looked. We believe someone instinctively took the keys and placed them on her purse, which was on a sofa while we had dinner. At some point later, they accidentally slid in that pocket (it's a huge pocket, covering the whole side). She was incredibly sorry and came immediately with not only the keys but the money in hand. Of course, I took none of it. It is bad luck. She regrets not having looked better in her purse when I texted her in the morning. I regret not having asked her to do that. I didn't want her to feel guilty, since she had been the one turning the key for me, so I just asked her, "Did you take the keys after turning them?" Anyway, as my dad usually says in the face of accidents: "We are safe, no one is hurt. Money can be replaced." The whole day seemed like a big waste of time. Although in the end, I was feeling sorry mostly for the locksmith, whom I made come after a busy work day for nothing. But it was not all a waste, the trial had shades of teaching patience, appreciating friendship, and a dose of "what goes around comes around" that made my heart smile.

Day 45 ~ Instinct

Although the word "instinct" sounds as something innate, I think of it as a skill that can be cultivated. I have a tendency to read people well, to not make mistakes about others' intentions, which has served me many times. Today seemed easy to me, but others didn't see it so clear. I could have accepted business from someone who didn't follow the regular channels to present himself. He reasoned that he was new to the country. Business was slow, so it could have tempted me. But it didn't. I didn't give it a second thought, I was simply not going to do it. Other times, when the situation is not as clear-cut as it was today, serve as practice to hone the skill.

Day 44 ~ Parks

Today I attended with my family the opening of a park in our city. It was my first time at a ribbon cutting ceremony and also meeting the mayor. He mentioned that two other parks had been opened in the neighborhood recently. We paid a visit to one of them afterwards, since it was very close. It would have been a pleasant five minute walk, but one of us had to take the car, and I offered to do it. I discovered a small playground for little children, empty when I arrived. It brought back memories of a past decade with me and a toddler. Me lonely. Me grieving. But above all, me being a mom, playing with my son. I brushed off the melancholy and delighted in the park's theme: music. A "wall glockenspiel" consisting of cylinders of eight different lengths to play a full scale, two drums placed side by side resembling bongos, four spheres of different sizes. Before I knew it, my family arrived and I returned to the present.

Day 43 ~ Appreciation

Our Taiwanese student has been with us for several days now. Wednesday I took him to visit Google. Yesterday I made for him a typical bean-based dish from my hometown. Today we had his farewell dinner with the rest of the families from the exchange program. I feel, like I did with the Indian exchange student, that he doesn't fully appreciate the opportunity that he has been given. It is not uncommon for a generation of children that grow up in peace and affluence, but I sense that not everyone is like that, that it depends on the child and the family as well. I received some confirmation at the farewell event. After dinner, guests were invited to share their experiences in front of everyone and I was touched by one who said: "This was the best week of my life." And he was not the only one, others made similar remarks. I struggle but will persevere in teaching my son to appreciate all he has.

Day 42 ~ Cookies

This morning I stopped by a bakery that sells the best Russian tea cookies I've every tried. I don't fall for sugar, but I love baked flour in all forms. Sweet and savory, flaky or compact. During my pregnancy the only craving I ever had was for a particular kind of puff pastry from my childhood. Surprisingly, it was not one that I ate very often, but one that had a lot of flour. I remember looking in my kitchen pantries for something similar, but nothing satisfied my appetite. My mom had to mail me a box. They arrived all crumbled but no problem, I happily spooned them all out from their individual plastic compartments. Empanadas, Spanakopita, puff pastry, croissants, palmiers, shortbread, tarts. Bring 'em on!

Day 41 ~ Halloween

I learned today that now many people celebrate it in Spain. I thought that would be only at the rare joint, but it is not, there are parties and costumes all around town. My friend says there is always a first time. Indeed. I can't picture my parents wearing costumes on the day before All Saints' Day, a national holiday. We are succumbing to globalization, it is clear to me. 

Day 40 ~ Anger

I'm fed up with anger. Right now. I'm angry about being the recipient of anger. Why do people hold anger? If they don't like something, can they just express themselves and take care of it before it grows? A situation may be upsetting, but anger toward a person takes a long time. If people used the energy they spend in anger to be loving instead, guaranteed they'd get better results. But I guess lack of resentment is reserved for animals, the human being is superior and hence capable of holding anger. Superior... right!

Day 39 ~ Letters

I have had in my hands a difficult letter for three weeks already. I haven't made any progress in knowing how to respond to it. The first feeling that I experienced when I received it was repulse--how can one like a letter that lists about 30 negative comments, including complaints, personal attacks, reproaches, put-downs, and blaming? The first night it disrupted my sleep. The second one, as I was replaying it in my head, the beginning of a possible response came to mind, just two sentences. I got up and wrote them down, then my thoughts led my hand to continue writing, and two full paragraphs emerged. I was satisfied. I knew it was not ready to be sent, but it let me go to sleep that night. I showed my response to two close friends, and they didn't approve. They thought it was very honest but wouldn't be taken well on the other side. I was able to convince one of them of the inability to produce a better one, short of lying. Nonetheless, I added a third paragraph to soften the content, and I waited a week without giving it much thought, just letting it sit. Then I reread my old draft and still liked it, but despite the softening paragraph, I wasn't able to get an OK from my friends. One more week went by. Finally today I had an inspiration when discussing it with my counselor. I got it! I found the only way David (me) could face the enormity of Goliath (the situation) and win. That was until I discussed it with my confidants and... back to square one.

Day 38 ~ Zero

I organized a business open house today which was not successful. Last week I did the same thing and only five people showed up. I considered it a failure. Ten would have been success. Today, half way into it nobody had knocked at the door. I said, "If we use historic data from today, since nobody has come, I can expect nobody for the remainder of the time." I succeeded... in guessing the outcome. Zero.

Day 37 ~ Motherhood

In the past 36 days, I have mentioned my son more than a third of the days. But I haven't explicitly talked about our relationship. One of the traits that makes it remarkable is that we allow each other to fail. I may make the same mistakes my parents made with me, but the very moment I realize, I apologize. It happens rarely, but this morning I lost it when I saw my son do something he had never done. In a matter of seconds I found myself yelling like a banshee. He started crying and asking me how yelling would help and why I wanted to hurt him. I paused. First I tried to justify my behavior, then I said, "I don't need to yell, there are better ways..." He continued crying. I immediately told him I would never want to make him suffer. "Come to me," I pleaded (not that he was far). It took him a moment, but I kept asking lovingly, remorseful. He came. I had him lie on my lap and apologized profusely, drying his tears. Nothing matters if I hurt my son's amazing heart. Nothing. I can't be right if I am making him suffer. I kept offering him affection and saying sorry for not having been able to handle the situation better. He apologized for the behavior that triggered me just minutes before. We went on to have a great day, always sure that nothing matters more than our relationship. With that in mind, the only thing we can do when we fall down is get up, fix the damage, and go on.

Day 36 ~ Generosity

Tomorrow we'll be going to a party hosted by a very special family. A couple willing to spend a month in the Ukraine seeking to adopt. They planned to pick up two children under five and came back with three siblings over that age. Their parents were drug addicts and grandma had been taking care of them for years until she needed some financial relief and placed them in an orphanage. She would pick them up for the holidays, hiding the fact that they no longer lived with her at home but not letting go of them. The problem is that by law, after two years in an orphanage, children must be offered up for adoption. Perhaps for that reason, someone tried to dissuade my friends from even meeting the children. They labeled them the worst kids in the orphanage, "All of them have issues, are you sure you want to meet them?" My brave friends decided to meet them anyway. An unkind procedure has children decide whether they want to be adopted by prospective couples with whom they have only spent thirty minutes. Fate would have someone forget about time, letting the happy soon-to-be family play for seven hours. Bliss. The children, ages 9, 7, and 5, had no doubts. "We love you, grandma, but we do want to be part of this nice adoptive family," the older one said at the resolution meeting the next day. The other two followed her older sister's decision. She's now 16 years old.

Day 35 ~ Buddies

I reunited with a friend I hadn't seen in five years. We met at work sixteen years ago, in March. We started having lunch dates and at an early one, she said, referring to a member of my team who was training me: "Too bad you don't work for my team, then you could date X." X turned out to be the love of my life and the father of my son. She moved to a different state just nine months after I met her, but we kept the friendship. I can count on seeing her every five years, when her husband comes back to attend alumni reunions. In between, we usually have hour-long conversations every couple of months. We both like deep heart-to-heart conversations, although we can take on light ones, like the witticism that started our friendship.

Day 34 ~ Sun

The light rays that peek in the house during the winter months, the burning sun of August in Madrid. Its warming powers, its healing touch. I like the sun in all its forms. This morning I put my legs up in the sun because my broken toe was bothering me, and the discomfort went away. In the afternoon I opened the patio door and sunbathed for ten minutes after lunch. I've always liked the sun so much. The condo where I grew up didn't get almost any sun, being a (European) second floor of seven on a one-way street that faced another seven-story building. But the little sun there was, particularly during the spring, was all mine! My cat would do the same, she would find the slits of sunbeams that made it through the balcony door and lie down. I can endure cold, but I can't live without sunshine. 

Day 33 ~ Defects

I discussed with my counselor how to approach my son's comment about not being able to improve behaviors that he doesn't like. "What if I am like that?" She said that the way to look at it is to consider those tendencies he doesn't like in himself not as flaws, but just bad habits--the sooner he gets rid of them, the easier it will be to do it. And also, to present those weaknesses to him (and to all of us) as areas where we haven't reached full maturity.

Day 32 ~ Exchanges

Today we had the last meeting in preparation to host a student from a sister city in Taiwan. He arrives Saturday and will spend a week with us as part of a delegation of twenty-five students. I took part in a student exchange for the first time at age twenty. I spent two weeks in Paris in September and the following year, one of the girls from the family who hosted me came to Madrid. I loved the experience of staying with a family abroad and repeated it six years later in Rome. And the same year again in Saint Petersburg. Every time my goal was to improve my language skills and get to know the culture. The idea stayed dormant for many years, until my son was almost six and I was looking for a music school for him. I contacted a distant friend who plays piano really well to ask her if she could recommend one, given that I didn't like any of the schools I had visited. She said, "I just had an idea. How about if we swap lessons?" So for the next five months we spent Sunday evenings at her home, where she taught my son piano at the same time that I taught her three children Spanish. We are currently part of a more longlasting one. For the past five years my son has been learning German from a native speaker every Saturday. In return, I have taught him Spanish. His teacher (now friend) and I share our rigor to teach. We correct all mistakes, we don't just listen to whatever. To round up his German learning, I have set up my son with with two different exchange families in the past three summers, first in the North and then in the South of Germany. I like exchanges because they makes you put your whole heart into doing a good job, given that you want the same quality in return. Money doesn't quite do that.

Day 31 ~ Decisions

It strikes me that humans are the species that is able to delay a decision the longest time. In the animal kingdom most decisions are made very quickly. But when it comes to humans, pondering whether we should move to a different area, what college we want to attend, or what job offer to pick can take us days, months, or even years. The first hard decision I remember needing to take was choosing between two specialization areas when I was in my third year of college (of a six-year program). There were six to choose from and two that interested me. I spent almost a week thinking about it. I felt completely stuck. One night, the light bulb turned on and I knew it. How? I was able to think of a factor that I hadn't thought about before. One of them lay on the side of math a bit more than the other, which had more to do with physics. Since I like math better than physics... problem solved! Today I dealt with a very different decision in nature. I don't allow dogs at the house rental I own. A very nice lady applied to the property and she seemed perfect until she mentioned she had a dog. She said her dog only went inside her house to sleep and he was very mellow. I wrestled with the decision the whole day. In the end, I realized allowing a dog would make me worry about the rental, and I decided to keep my initial policy. The easiest decisions are the ones that take care of themselves. You like two dresses but one doesn't come in your size, you like two houses but one gets sold before you put in your offer, you like two colleges, but one rejects you. For the rest of them, I try to set an intention to solve them when I go to bed, and often times, I find the solution before getting up.