Day 70 ~ Intricate

After a conversation with a friend, that is what comes to mind that we, humans, are. She is supposed to know me well, but when I described to her my view on a particular situation I needed to take action on, she told me that what she saw was different, an ulterior motive, not as a result of malice, but coming from a blind spot. What I believe drives me--she thinks--is not my true motive but just what I would like it to be. In my defense, I told her I am not so sophisticated. "I am sure that neither my boyfriend nor my counselor would agree with your analysis and I am not as smart as to fool both." She said that doesn't prove her wrong. True. Everything is possible. I may not be who I think I am. Of course, I don't think so.

Day 69 ~ Romantic

What if it were true? That things happen for a reason, that everything is interconnected, and that there is a path for everyone of us that ultimately leads to happiness. I was lying down tonight by my boyfriend's side, having his head rest on my left shoulder. He reached for his guitar, placed it almost perpendicularly to our bodies, and started playing and singing, despite the awkward position. I sang along. Then he chose a love song and I just listened. "Do you love me?" I asked. He nodded as he continued singing. I felt a burst of emotions emerge and blur my vision. Happiness and loss swallowed in the same tears. My husband's last hobby was guitar, but he could only practice it for four months before he died. His love was reaching me through my boyfriend, who discovered the same hobby two years after my husband died. He completed the job, the lessons, the training... the labor of love. I don't know it is true, but it certainly is romantic.

Day 68 ~ Travel

I started planning a cruise today, an idea that got planted in my brain just a couple of days ago. Besides my native Spain and my adoptive United States, I have visited Portugal, England, Greece, France, Canada, The Czech Republic, Germany, Austria, Switzerland, Italy, Russia, Mexico, Puerto Rico, French Polynesia, China, Belgium, The Netherlands, Ecuador, Denmark, Norway, Jamaica, Dominican Republic, Iceland, Hungary. That is how important traveling is for me.

Day 67 ~ Wisdom

Today I peeled through layers of thoughts and feelings to make a judgment call. In the afternoon I entertained doing something that would bring happiness to someone, even though the receiver of my attentions hadn't asked me. Normally, the idea of making someone happy is a big driving force for me, so by the end of the day I was very close to taking the action. But I could also see a few downsides, so I thought of running it by a good friend. She thought it could be a great idea, if only I proposed it in a completely different way. I couldn't relate to her approach in my current circumstances. I wanted it to be a surprise, while she thought that was an imposition of sorts. I hung up with her rethinking it all in my brain. At that point, my boyfriend came. I summarized in three minutes my two-hour conversation with my friend and with a simple sentence, he brought clarity of mind. The fog was gone and I could clearly see that I wouldn't proceed because, although well intentioned, my idea wasn't as good as the alternative. My perseverance in making the best possible decision, her dedication to help me think things through, and his ultimate wisdom lifted the confusion and brought me peace of mind.

Day 66 ~ Debate

Today I joined the monthly meeting of a group that discusses topics that matter. Since the organizer is my friend, I had requested attendance to discuss a particular topic that interested me. I aimed to gain knowledge through hearing different perspectives, as I didn't have a formed opinion. We discussed that and other topics and what impressed me the most was my friend's ability to act as a moderator. I know he is often opinionated, but it didn't show. He made everyone speak and would often play devil's advocate in order to test different lines of thinking. I wonder if I would be capable of such an exercise.

Day 65 ~ Generations

While walking around the park, I passed a couple walking down slowly: a young Asian woman and an old lady helped by a walker. I heard them speak in Chinese and imagined them being mother and daughter. When I completed my first tour around the park, I saw them walking the same street in the opposite direction and concluded that their age difference was bigger, two generations apart in all likelihood. The moment we crossed ways, I granted them a shy look and the young lady gave me a gorgeous smile in return. I quickly looked over the old lady and noticed similar traits on her face. The same beauty, just cured by time. I was touched by the view of the two generations, evolving but also preserving what they had in common. A grandmother sharing a walk in a land far away from her own but using her mother tongue with a granddaughter, who was in her native land but using the language of her ancestor. In light of the new report on rapid climate change and its devastating effects, I wonder if the view of the young woman and her grandma will be possible a hundred years from now.

Day 64 ~ Gender

Are women different that men? A friend brought up the eternal debate to our house party today. I have never experienced discrimination directly. My dad was always supportive of me. Not long ago he said: "I could not think any other way, how could I? I had you," which was a beautiful thing to say. My mom raised me to not serve men and to always be independent. I chose to study the hardest major at the hardest college of my country alongside a third of other women. Differences were not an issue for me, but I wasn't blind to the modus operandi of the world around me: both growing up and now as an adult living on the other side of the globe I keep seeing households where women cook and clean while men sit down to relax after work, and many of those times women had returned from an equally busy work day. And I can't come to terms with it being genetic. It is simply not. And as long as we teach our sons to be tough and strong and have good jobs while we raise our daughters to be submissive and clean and pretty, we'll keep hearing men complain about women not taking the initiative and just wanting men to maintain them, and we'll keep hearing women complain about men that are insensitive and don't provide for them emotionally. And we'll all regret hearing stories of gender abuse at school: "girls are mean to other girls" ... "boys get physical" ... Blame it on the genes!

Day 63 ~ Emotional

Our Thanksgiving host of seven years unexpectedly got emotional addressing his guests tonight before dinner. I was sitting far from him and didn't want to grab everyone's attention by doing so, but my instinct was to go give him a hug. As a matter of fact, I was emotional even before he started speaking. The moment he stood up and called our attention, I could guess something was up, as I don't recall him ever addressing us like that. His speech was short, just a heartfelt note to appreciate our being there. Others that he loves dearly could not, as a result of an acrimonious divorce. I could feel his pain. I had approached his place slowly and when he finished talking, I gave him the hug with my appreciation for his continuous hospitality.

Day 62 ~ Rain

Today we had the first rain of the season. By the end of the day I started feeling a bit down. From early age I noticed that gray days affect my mood. I have a history of low blood pressure, and on days with low atmospheric pressure, as if I ran out of fuel, my body machinery slows me down and I feel the blues. As a teenager or young adult, it may have led to an evening of crying for no good reason. Nowadays it doesn't usually reach that far. But I do notice that I need a higher dosage of affection. A distraction, like playing volleyball today, also works.

Day 61 ~ Sleep

Some days it just feels great to sleep. Yesterday I arrived home in the afternoon and felt really tired. I planned to take a nap, thirty to forty minutes. I fell asleep immediately, and for almost two hours I kept telling myself, "just a little bit more." Normally, if something weeks me up, I have a hard time falling asleep again. Not this time. I kept checking the phone every time I woke up, but my body kept thinking it needed more sleep. I feared I would have a hard time falling asleep last night. Far from it--I went to bed and fell asleep before midnight (something that hadn't happened in over a month) and I slept almost nine hours that night. My sleep tracking watch reported 3 hours and 13 minutes of deep sleep, which is an extra hour over my average deep sleep count.

Day 60 ~ Potatoes

The other day I read in the newspaper an article titled "The top 5 foods that make you gain weight and that you should completely eliminate from your diet." Among them was one of my favorites: fried potatoes. No matter whether it is French fries or bagged chips, they ain't good. Well, this afternoon I had a potato chip feast. I was hungry when I got home and after having a very healthy soup... I indulged in my favorite potato chips. I was on the phone, so they were convenient and I had also really missed them. What can I do! I love most things crispy.

Day 59 ~ Fulfillment

My son gave me a belated birthday present. Yesterday, the birthday balloon that had been roaming around the house for ten days, usually occupying the middle space between floor and ceiling, decided to make a break for it the moment we opened the door. With the outside air, as it was, much colder, before we could take action, my balloon rose up to the sky. This morning, my son greeted me in bed with two happy-birthday balloons and a note attached: "Happy Belated Birthday! Sorry for not getting you a present until today, but here it is. I love you very much, more than anyone. You are who helps me when I have problems, who teaches me principles and moral values, and you are who gave me all that I have. I love you! Kisses and hugs." Priceless.

Day 58 ~ OJ

Orange squeezer... what a useful small appliance to have close by! I don't know what I could do without it. A freshly squeezed orange juice is the most desirable drink I can think of besides water. Today I made one for my cleaning crew, since I was making one for myself. I love drinking it in one shot. And when I do, I have an image of my mom watching me after having handed me one and saying, "Breathe, daughter, breathe."

Day 57 ~ Keep

In moving my summer clothes out of the closet and replacing them with winter ones, I realized that my lack of space continues to grow. My problem is that I don't like getting rid of things. And I am not just talking about keepsakes. If something looks battered, OK, I can consider giving it to charity, but otherwise... why? My taste hasn't changed a lot and neither has my size. Today I tried on a pair of pants that I bought twenty-two years ago, and they fit me perfectly. But I still found myself in front of the puzzle: finding room for two new purses. In the end, I decided I could let go of some of my two-decade-old purses, despite their great shape. I have found a way to ease into it: giving them to my cleaning ladies. I let them on that I used to like them a lot but I don't use them anymore. I said, "If you don't like them, just pass them on." I find comfort in knowing that they actually keep a lot of the things I give them.

Day 56 ~ Tiramisù

I discovered this dessert in my twenties at Ciao, an Italian pizzeria that, lo and behold, still stands at the same location (I just checked). Not only that--my favorite pizza, Sandra, is still on the menu. Soon after, I went to study in Germany and met a professional cook, a transplant from Spain, who made tiramisù. I keep her recipe to this day, the oldest I have, typewritten. Less than five years later, I got the recipe from my Italian boyfriend's mom. I keep that one too, an email sent from her to him. My current recipe is very similar to that one, just varying some amounts. And that is something I love about tiramisù, that as long as the ingredients are the right ones, it always comes out fine despite small variations in quantity. As I have been doing for the past years, I'll bring tiramisù to my Thanksgiving host next week. I bought the lady fingers already today.

Day 55 ~ Potluck

Our parenting class came to an end today. We took an oral final exam given by the teenagers and received a certificate of completion signed by the school's counselor and principal. To celebrate our accomplishments, we brought ethnic foods to share: Indian potato dishes and breads, Chinese rice and noodles, Vietnamese egg rolls, German potato salad, and a Polish stew, among other specialties. I made "bacalao a la vizcaína" (salted cod stew with potatoes and red peppers). I don't know how the term "potluck" was coined, my native language doesn't have it and I don't know other languages that do. But I love the idea of sharing dishes and not burdening a host with lots of food preparations. 

Day 54 ~ Tenacity

I closed a great deal today. I have been working hard to find a tenant for an investment property. For a variety of reasons, it hasn't been as easy as other times. First, because the unit was occupied and it wasn't easy to show it. Second, because the departing tenants took very good care of the house leaving me with a high bar. And lastly, because the pool of candidates was considerably smaller than the previous time (I learned the hard way not to end a lease agreement in October). But my determination prevailed. I can't count how many things in life I have achieved because of my perseverance. Most of the important things, the unbelievable things I have attained, I did so through hard work. I am not convinced it is a virtue, as it prevents me from seeing when pulling out is a better option. But I have definitely walked a longer mile through this trait.

Day 53 ~ Exhaustive

Today I had a conversation with a friend with whom I have a uniquely enriching relationship. We admire each other. Every time we meet, he tells me that he learns a lot from me. And I think he has an incredible vision. He has been able to grow his net wealth by a lot in just a few years. Today we talked about candidate selection for a rental house. I was surprised to see that he didn't have a robust process implemented. I shared with him my process and he found it very useful: "You are so thorough." Yes, that is one of my personality traits. I don't leave anything to chance. I know there is a lot up to chance, I just don't give chance more than its inevitable, fair share.

Day 52 ~ Housework

Today my house was beyond messy, at least to my standards. I can tolerate some disorganization with paperwork, which I hide in my room. But when the clutter reaches the living room, it makes me really uncomfortable. The past few weeks have been very busy and it all piled up. But starting today, everything else important quieted down, and I needed to take action in my home. Because, I started to not just see an untidy living room, but also dirty laundry and summer clothes still not stored away for the winter, even though we are in November. With some progress under my belt by the end of the day, I am beginning to feel better. It will still take me a week before I can declare victory over chaos.

Day 51 ~ Deceptive

Like the saying goes, "looks can be deceiving." I went to bed last night wrestling with the decision of who to choose for a business deal. I had two suitable candidates, but neither was ideal. However, I knew I would need to pick one of them by the end of today. "I wish the perfect one showed up tomorrow at the open house," I said to myself. Being realistic, I was happy that I was going to meet in person one of the two candidates. Minutes before he arrived, a couple showed up at the open house. It bothered me that they would not give me the time I needed to learn more about the scheduled candidate. My annoyance grew when the candidate thanked me and left, but I didn't act on it. Instead, I took the time to learn about the new avenue and the more I learned, the more I liked the couple. By the end of the day, they had gone from being a bother to being the perfect candidates. 

Day 50 ~ Oxtail

It has been a long time since I last cooked it. Today was the day. I had to pull out the recipe that I took down 13 years ago on a fancy desk calendar called The Artful Life. Right pages display the days of the week to mark down engagements, while left pages have an illustration by the creator of the calendar (a graphic artist). To the left of that drawing, there is a vertical section labeled "doodle," that I found perfect to write my recipes. Today's lists oxtail, onion, carrot, tomatoes, garlic, saffron, ground pepper, and red wine as ingredients. I just learned that the English language offers a wonderful word to describe the technique used for this stew: braising. So I don't need to specify the steps, just mention that, for some reason, my recipe asks to add the wine after the dish has been cooking for fifteen minutes. I can't wait to eat it!

Day 49 ~ Love

I am lucky to have found love. Not once, but many times. Love is what matters to me most in life. A life without love is not a life worth living. I see any love relationship as a garden to be cared for by two gardeners. I make a point to water my gardens. Today my boyfriend nurtured ours in a very special manner--he gave me the best birthday present, a book called My Reasons Why. Twenty-seven pages full of what he finds special in me, each with an illustration representing us and a sentence about activities he enjoys doing with me and traits of mine that he appreciates. I read it through and by the end of it, tears were going down my cheeks. I loved the P.S.: "Can you please read this book if we ever fight?" (Three white hearts on the same row). "That way, you will remember exactly how i feel about you, and hopefully, forgive me more quickly :)"

Day 48 ~ Birthday

On this 48th day I celebrate my 48th birthday. My oldest memory of a birthday party is from when I turned eight. On a picture from that day, I am surrounded by many girls wearing school uniforms and just one boy, my neighbor. A couple of years later, I made a discovery at a friend's birthday party, something that was far from the usual Spanish fare: pancakes! I copied the idea and started celebrating my special day at a cafeteria that served them. Later on, as a teenager, I found "tarta Amor" (Love cake) and for many years that had to be served on my birthday. It is the most unique cake I have ever tried. Shaped like a yellow (burnt caramel) mountain, it hides layers of a special kind of meringue, some sort of unusual whipped cream, and a soft cake base. Until I moved to another continent. I was curious and just searched online if my favorite birthday fare still existed. Sadly, the chain is no longer in business. Today, I had no cake, just a tiramisù portion, courtesy of the restaurant where I had dinner with my friends.

Day 47 ~ Unconditional

It is already my birthday in Spain and my mom is the first one to send me her blessings. She does it with a photograph of baby me. She's sitting on the grass, holding me by the arms to make me stand up. I am smiling at the camera, which only captures an angled profile of hers, but clear enough to see she's beaming with joy looking at me. I respond to her text: "Thanks, mom. You look gorgeous." She says, "I reflect off you." She has always said the happiest day of her life is the day I was born. Humans have that privilege: our mothers love us unconditionally.

Day 46 ~ Futile

Last night I arrived home with a friend who would have dinner with us. I manged to put the key in the lock with difficulty, as I was carrying many things. She then turned it for me. This morning I couldn't find my keys. I asked her if she had taken them from the lock. She said no. I didn't remember doing it either. I looked everywhere, I reached out to my neighbors. I felt lucky nobody had stolen my car yet, but I spent the day worrying that someone would try to get in thinking there was no one home. At 3:30 pm I managed to talk to all my close neighbors and no one had seen them. So I decided it was time to act. I started searching online and soon it occurred to me that I could contact the locksmith I had used to put a deadbolt in the patio door four months before. (He mentioned then that his daughter was going to spend a semester in my hometown and I helped her evaluate housing options.) He responded quickly and told me that he would get me the locks and stop by my home to install them, not charging me any after-hours fees. At 6:30 I texted my friend saying that I had changed all four locks in my home. She called me and was very sorry about what happened. I told her I needed to rush to get a club for the car before the store closed. Five minutes later, she called saying the keys were in her purse. I couldn't believe my ears. She explained that they were in an outside pocket where she never puts anything (because it has no zipper and things would fall off), so she hadn't look there. Only in the evening, she looked. We believe someone instinctively took the keys and placed them on her purse, which was on a sofa while we had dinner. At some point later, they accidentally slid in that pocket (it's a huge pocket, covering the whole side). She was incredibly sorry and came immediately with not only the keys but the money in hand. Of course, I took none of it. It is bad luck. She regrets not having looked better in her purse when I texted her in the morning. I regret not having asked her to do that. I didn't want her to feel guilty, since she had been the one turning the key for me, so I just asked her, "Did you take the keys after turning them?" Anyway, as my dad usually says in the face of accidents: "We are safe, no one is hurt. Money can be replaced." The whole day seemed like a big waste of time. Although in the end, I was feeling sorry mostly for the locksmith, whom I made come after a busy work day for nothing. But it was not all a waste, the trial had shades of teaching patience, appreciating friendship, and a dose of "what goes around comes around" that made my heart smile.

Day 45 ~ Instinct

Although the word "instinct" sounds as something innate, I think of it as a skill that can be cultivated. I have a tendency to read people well, to not make mistakes about others' intentions, which has served me many times. Today seemed easy to me, but others didn't see it so clear. I could have accepted business from someone who didn't follow the regular channels to present himself. He reasoned that he was new to the country. Business was slow, so it could have tempted me. But it didn't. I didn't give it a second thought, I was simply not going to do it. Other times, when the situation is not as clear-cut as it was today, serve as practice to hone the skill.

Day 44 ~ Parks

Today I attended with my family the opening of a park in our city. It was my first time at a ribbon cutting ceremony and also meeting the mayor. He mentioned that two other parks had been opened in the neighborhood recently. We paid a visit to one of them afterwards, since it was very close. It would have been a pleasant five minute walk, but one of us had to take the car, and I offered to do it. I discovered a small playground for little children, empty when I arrived. It brought back memories of a past decade with me and a toddler. Me lonely. Me grieving. But above all, me being a mom, playing with my son. I brushed off the melancholy and delighted in the park's theme: music. A "wall glockenspiel" consisting of cylinders of eight different lengths to play a full scale, two drums placed side by side resembling bongos, four spheres of different sizes. Before I knew it, my family arrived and I returned to the present.

Day 43 ~ Appreciation

Our Taiwanese student has been with us for several days now. Wednesday I took him to visit Google. Yesterday I made for him a typical bean-based dish from my hometown. Today we had his farewell dinner with the rest of the families from the exchange program. I feel, like I did with the Indian exchange student, that he doesn't fully appreciate the opportunity that he has been given. It is not uncommon for a generation of children that grow up in peace and affluence, but I sense that not everyone is like that, that it depends on the child and the family as well. I received some confirmation at the farewell event. After dinner, guests were invited to share their experiences in front of everyone and I was touched by one who said: "This was the best week of my life." And he was not the only one, others made similar remarks. I struggle but will persevere in teaching my son to appreciate all he has.

Day 42 ~ Cookies

This morning I stopped by a bakery that sells the best Russian tea cookies I've every tried. I don't fall for sugar, but I love baked flour in all forms. Sweet and savory, flaky or compact. During my pregnancy the only craving I ever had was for a particular kind of puff pastry from my childhood. Surprisingly, it was not one that I ate very often, but one that had a lot of flour. I remember looking in my kitchen pantries for something similar, but nothing satisfied my appetite. My mom had to mail me a box. They arrived all crumbled but no problem, I happily spooned them all out from their individual plastic compartments. Empanadas, Spanakopita, puff pastry, croissants, palmiers, shortbread, tarts. Bring 'em on!

Day 41 ~ Halloween

I learned today that now many people celebrate it in Spain. I thought that would be only at the rare joint, but it is not, there are parties and costumes all around town. My friend says there is always a first time. Indeed. I can't picture my parents wearing costumes on the day before All Saints' Day, a national holiday. We are succumbing to globalization, it is clear to me. 

Day 40 ~ Anger

I'm fed up with anger. Right now. I'm angry about being the recipient of anger. Why do people hold anger? If they don't like something, can they just express themselves and take care of it before it grows? A situation may be upsetting, but anger toward a person takes a long time. If people used the energy they spend in anger to be loving instead, guaranteed they'd get better results. But I guess lack of resentment is reserved for animals, the human being is superior and hence capable of holding anger. Superior... right!

Day 39 ~ Letters

I have had in my hands a difficult letter for three weeks already. I haven't made any progress in knowing how to respond to it. The first feeling that I experienced when I received it was repulse--how can one like a letter that lists about 30 negative comments, including complaints, personal attacks, reproaches, put-downs, and blaming? The first night it disrupted my sleep. The second one, as I was replaying it in my head, the beginning of a possible response came to mind, just two sentences. I got up and wrote them down, then my thoughts led my hand to continue writing, and two full paragraphs emerged. I was satisfied. I knew it was not ready to be sent, but it let me go to sleep that night. I showed my response to two close friends, and they didn't approve. They thought it was very honest but wouldn't be taken well on the other side. I was able to convince one of them of the inability to produce a better one, short of lying. Nonetheless, I added a third paragraph to soften the content, and I waited a week without giving it much thought, just letting it sit. Then I reread my old draft and still liked it, but despite the softening paragraph, I wasn't able to get an OK from my friends. One more week went by. Finally today I had an inspiration when discussing it with my counselor. I got it! I found the only way David (me) could face the enormity of Goliath (the situation) and win. That was until I discussed it with my confidants and... back to square one.

Day 38 ~ Zero

I organized a business open house today which was not successful. Last week I did the same thing and only five people showed up. I considered it a failure. Ten would have been success. Today, half way into it nobody had knocked at the door. I said, "If we use historic data from today, since nobody has come, I can expect nobody for the remainder of the time." I succeeded... in guessing the outcome. Zero.

Day 37 ~ Motherhood

In the past 36 days, I have mentioned my son more than a third of the days. But I haven't explicitly talked about our relationship. One of the traits that makes it remarkable is that we allow each other to fail. I may make the same mistakes my parents made with me, but the very moment I realize, I apologize. It happens rarely, but this morning I lost it when I saw my son do something he had never done. In a matter of seconds I found myself yelling like a banshee. He started crying and asking me how yelling would help and why I wanted to hurt him. I paused. First I tried to justify my behavior, then I said, "I don't need to yell, there are better ways..." He continued crying. I immediately told him I would never want to make him suffer. "Come to me," I pleaded (not that he was far). It took him a moment, but I kept asking lovingly, remorseful. He came. I had him lie on my lap and apologized profusely, drying his tears. Nothing matters if I hurt my son's amazing heart. Nothing. I can't be right if I am making him suffer. I kept offering him affection and saying sorry for not having been able to handle the situation better. He apologized for the behavior that triggered me just minutes before. We went on to have a great day, always sure that nothing matters more than our relationship. With that in mind, the only thing we can do when we fall down is get up, fix the damage, and go on.