Day 93 ~ Frustration

The day didn't quite go the way I expected, and I found myself in an unusual, bad mood. The most common bad feeling I have is sadness, and I can occasionally be upset in passing. But today I was possessed by a terrible mood. I was trying to make progress in teaching my son Spanish syntax, and he was slower than ever. What I envisioned finishing in ten minutes took us more than an hour. When I went to make lunch, the potatoes I counted on having cut by my boyfriend were as whole as the day they were harvested (he forgot). To make matters worse, I jammed my right thumb two days ago playing volleyball and it was getting in the way of anything I tried to do. In my race against the clock to finish before my son's German lesson, I would accidentally bump it and jump in pain. I felt so helpless, yet I couldn't ask for help because my boyfriend was not home and I wanted my son to finally finish the homework I had given him. Time solved all my problems. My son's teacher arrived and whatever he had, he had. Like it or not, time was up, and so was my mood. My needless frustration dissolved.

Day 92 ~ Impressions

"The first impression is the one that counts." I've known for years that to not always be true. The first impression carries our conditioning, our prejudices. I've often experienced getting to know someone and completely changing my opinion from the first encounter. So yes, they aren't always accurate, but isn't our conditioning the knowledge we've accumulated over the years? Today was my fourth visit at a dental office. The first impression was that the provider was a bit belligerent with his words and not gentle with his hands. At the second visit, he was sloppy completing a procedure he had prescribed for me. A third one was set to patch the work of the second. There he was simply rough, not just around the edges. Decided. I won't be back! My first impression, his roughness, was exactly right.

Day 91 ~ Down

The past couple of days I have noticed getting the blues. A mixture of low energy, a tendency to laziness, and a dash of anxiety. The combo has crept in slowly but surely, managing to go unnoticed. But today it has become evident, and if I don't do anything, the negative feelings will settle in me like a virus in a host. I need to take action. I remember the lessons I have just been learning this month. If something goes wacko in my mind, I can no longer use my mind to fix it. But I am a cocktail of chemicals, and those I can control. I can go out and walk. Walk fast, until my body releases the hormones that will make me feel better. I can make it happen if only I bypass the mind, who tells me I am lazy and I don't feel like walking. Yes, I can do that. It'd be foolish to let my mind bring me down.

Day 90 ~ Outsider

Given that my volleyball gym is closed for the holidays, I headed to a different one. I left home early to avoid the traffic, arrived almost an hour earlier, parked and approached the lobby. Once I found out how the gym worked, I went back to the car and read my book. I returned fifteen minutes before it started and lined up. In front of me there were some twenty people. We all had in common our desire to play volleyball. Aside from that, there were two kinds of people: those whose age was half of mine, and those whose age I tripled. Nothing to worry, just a fact of life, this was a high-school and college kind of gym. I held my spot and overheard bits of the conversation between the two people in front of me. Several minutes later, I looked back and among the next twenty who arrived after me, I spotted one more player over forty. Woo-hoo! At that point, one of the two friends in front of me decided to go to the bathroom and the other asked me: "Do you come here often?" "No, it is my first time. How about you?" "Oh, I haven't been here in over a year." At that point, I confessed that I felt out of place. "I figured that's how you'd be feeling, and that's why I approached you, to make you feel better," he said. His friendliness surprised me, but granted, he was older than I expected, a biochemistry senior. We talked some more until it was time to pay and get in the gym. We put ourselves on the same team and won some games. Thank you, Ryan and Alston, for being inclusive.

Day 89 ~ Money

I am not winning this battle. I hope it is just an age related thing, but my teenager thinks money is the best he can hope for. Wherever we are, he makes an assessment about his surroundings: poor people, rich people; poor houses, rich houses. I can't blame only him, as the world make us believe money is a great provider. And I can't say it is only now, It has really always been so. However, I have usually detested money, particularly in the hands of those who flaunt it. And even the one in my family, I was never interested in. By age 15 my parents had told me more than once how much money I would get should they die unexpectedly. I am sure they did it so that I realized how well they had provided for me, which is commendable. However, I really couldn't care less about the life insurance amount. Somehow, I am not succeeding in instilling that in my 14-year old.

Day 88 ~ Jealousy

She didn't want to envy anyone, she knew envy was a capital sin. She just wished.
She wished she had a sibling.
She wished she had not been a shy teenager.
She wished she hadn't lost her high-school sweetheart to a car accident.
She wished college had been all straight As like school.
She wished she had had three children.
She wished her husband hadn't had cancer and died.
She wished she could have a stellar career.
She's happy, she just has wishes.

Day 87 ~ Humor

I coincidentally found a comedy club around the corner and I took my boyfriend to a show there tonight. It was my first time in forever watching stage humor. Before the star headliner arrived, three other comedians tried to make us laugh but didn't succeed for the most part. It must be so hard to stand up in front of people and get a laughter from them. And worse, how do comedians motivate themselves to rehearse? Repeating the same lines again and again can't be funny. I am glad I don't have that vocation... and even more so that our main performer does! He made us laugh. Among his strengths, perfectly imitating Indian accent. Every time he included it in his lines, everyone burst into laughter.

Day 86 ~ Impact

When in the depths of despair, nothing like imagining what the world would be like had we not been born. That is the plot of It's a Wonderful Life, a movie that is as old as my mother but never out of fashion. We summoned our friends today to watch it together. An interesting aspect of the film is that the villain doesn't redeem himself, as it is the case in many other movies. I like the idea because it reminds me that we should not count on evil disappearing, but lay it all on ourselves to make of this a better world. And that is the key principle of the movie: the plot premise stands as long as we actually make a difference in the lives of those around us.

Day 85 ~ Baking

Tomorrow we are hosting a "chocolate, waffles, and movie" evening with our friends to celebrate Christmas in advance. I am also going to put together a small care package for each family. Inside, baked goods. I've spent more than four hours looking up recipes and baking. Initially, I didn't have eggs, so I focused on recipes with no eggs. I found a chocolate one. Then I saw that the big bag of whole-wheat flour had an orange almond cake recipe. It called for an egg, but I just added more liquid in some other form. Then the eggs arrived and I made banana cupcakes and a lemon cake. In the end, the chocolate cake looked amazing, with a silky surface. As for taste, the general public would have rated it as  "not sweet enough," but that is a condition we don't consider a problem. The almond cake needed to be discarded. My boyfriend, who is a great eater, said that it was awful. We think it was the skin on the toasted almonds. Sad, I rarely throw out food. The lemon cake and the cupcakes were very good. Each holiday box will have two banana cupcakes, two servings of chocolate cake, and a thick slice of lemon cake cut in two. On the outside, "Happy Holidays" or "Merry Christmas" in the languages of the recipients.

Day 84 ~ Lifetime

When I was born, most people had black and white TVs and nobody drove with seat belts on. In fifth grade I was lucky to be introduced to a new programming language... BASIC. Soon after, my family bought the first computer, an Atari, which had just appeared in the market two years earlier. Half way through college, my telecommunications teacher said in the future we would all carry a cellular phone, which seemed unbelievable to most people. My last semester of college I studied in Germany and used a cool new thing to communicate with other classmates studying abroad: email. Also at that time the world saw the birth of the first web browser, accessible mostly by universities. That was half a life ago. Not much later, the future my professor predicted came into being, less than ten year after his forecast. Count fifteen more years and our phones do everything for us: they wake us up, keep our daily agendas, give us directions, take photographs, play music for us, pay our groceries. I have less than half a life left, and I wonder what lay in store. Whatever it is, I hope it doesn't dehumanize us. The many hours we spend on our phones have already.

Day 83 ~ Inspiration

I recently found an inspirational speaker, a doctor that brings medicine closer to empower us. He would like us to understand that our emotions can get in the way of achieving our goals. That simple idea that has been suspected for more than two millennia can now be proved by technology. Nothing is really magical. A negative mental state releases hormones that impair the proper functioning of our prefrontal cortex, responsible for our highest-level cognitive abilities. Stress is designed to save us from perils but not to help us find creative solutions to the problems that life throws at us. When we tell ourselves: "I can't do it, I'm not good at that," we are bombarding our cells with cortisol and that emotional barrier suppresses our creativity. As we go through the trials and tribulations of life, we all carry two voices within ourselves, "the chatterbox" who kidnaps our emotions and "the inner master" who pushes us to seek new horizons. Which one do we want to follow?

Day 82 ~ Red

Do you know those times when you make an embarrassing mistake and just wish you could rewind time a bit and replay the scene? In Spanish we have a very descriptive expression for the feeling we experience at that point: "Earth, swallow me." To add insult to injury, some people turn red, as if they didn't have enough being the center of attention for an unwanted reason. In my case, it is "seasonal." For a long time I keep my cool, and then suddenly, blood rushes to my cheeks one good day and, as if I had awakened a dormant virus, I start blushing for months at a time. I'm at a good phase now, so I hope I don't wake up the monster just by randomly thinking about it today.

Day 81 ~ Acknowledgment

It is nice to hear someone admit responsibility in a situation that didn't go well. Even better, hear the same person recognize our merit in something we did right. Both circumstances happened in the past, but I got credit now, when I least expected it. And magically, some wounds in me have started to heal. The power of words.

Day 80 ~ Wounds

Wounds come in many forms. Forgiving those who apologize for doing us wrong is hard, but forgiving ourselves for personal failures is often harder. And how does one forgive life's blows? It requires tremendous strength to do that. And yet, walking the path of forgiveness is needed to close a wound. The challenge is that even if we manage to do that, can we heal without scars? That takes formidable effort, determination, and skill. We will need not just energy, but the grit to persevere even if we still see the wound and feel the pain. The road may be long and winded, so we'd better arm ourselves with the best resources and advisers and call on our inner strength. We ought to follow through until we see only the shadow of what was once a wound. Only then can we rest. It is not a battle we want to lose. Scars are for ever.

Day 79 ~ Blurry

That is how I see it all these days. Literally. When I was seven years old, an eye exam revealed that I was slightly far sighted and the doctor prescribed glasses for reading and writing. For two decades I followed his orders. After college, I limited its use to computers, although I could see perfectly fine without them. The first time I actually needed them was at age 38, when learning how to write Chinese characters. The strokes were just too small to do it without glasses in the not-well-lit classrooms of my community college. But it wasn't until age 45 that I suffered the real decline: losing my perfect far vision. I understand tissues lose flexibility over time and lenses can no longer accommodate, I have heard it for a long time. However, I don't think it is so much age related, but more the result of the many hours I've spent in front of a computer in the past three years. Throughout them I have steadily lost both far and close vision, and particularly so in the past six months. And it is a loss that I mourn daily. If I could change one thing about my physical make-up, that'd be it.

Day 78 ~ Mentoring

A friend's son, at only 16, is a gifted child, especially when it comes to programming. I met him last summer in Spain and he said he would share with me some of his work. Last month he sent me a five-minute video showcasing his project and a twenty-five-minute one explaining how he did it. With the business of life, weeks went by until yesterday, that I decided not to go to sleep without responding to him. I watched the short one first and I liked the graphics. In watching the longer one, several ideas and suggestions to improve it came to mind. I wrote to him and this morning I found a very enthusiastic email responding to my questions and welcoming my suggestions. I hadn't yet got out of bed and I was already smiling, thinking how easy it is to make a difference in someone's life, if only we commit to staying present. 

Day 77 ~ Privacy

What will privacy look like fifty years from now? The Internet era has made our journey on earth traceable. As long as we don't become public figures, our data won't be made known to the public. Like mafia bosses, we could choose to leave our cell phones at home and share information only in person, although it would be an inconvenience. But what worries me most is the threat to our brains--we used to believe our ideas were safe, but... for how long? I hope we put in place laws that prevent our thoughts from being read, stored, and used without our permission.

Day 76 ~ Service

Today we had a national day of mourning for the death of a former president. It got me wondering what I would like to be remembered for. I naturally won't have the outreach of a head of state, but in my small community, I would like to be useful. At a different time of my life I provided inspiration to people. Currently, I feel I am most valuable to my son. I don't know what my next stop will be, but I sure hope I find a way to continue being of service to others.

Day 75 ~ Authentic

It's incredible how much of what we do is driven by the image we want to portray. Yet, we all have sides that we wish to hide from others. In a personal development class I took three years ago, I heard for the first time the expression "being authentic." We spent hours deciphering our hidden agendas, the true motivators for our actions. Authentic people are not ashamed of being seen as they truly are. They do have things they are not proud of, but they strive to align who they are with who they want to be. I am more authentic now than a year ago, but I have a lot to develop in that realm.

Day 74 ~ Patience

Not one of my virtues. I was disappointed today because I wanted to send a Christmas package and my son had not finalized his writing on the card, forcing me to take all the packaging materials, stickers, labels, and markers to the post office. The long line wasn't enough to finish the card and wrap the present, so we were sent to the side when our turn arrived. My level of stress was very high at that point, but in retrospect, it looks insignificant. Yes, my son hadn't helped me in putting the present together or in signing the card on time, but agonizing about it was not going to help the situation. His attitude from that point on made all the difference. He stayed calm despite my complaints and made my wrapping job easy. I admire his composure.

Day 73 ~ Forgiveness

I once read that resentment is a poison you take thinking it will hurt someone else. This morning I woke up with hurt feelings that I had been carrying for more than a day. A conversation took place and, although I didn't feel fully satisfied as a result, by the evening all the hard feelings were gone. And all that happened naturally, without me even thinking about it. While I am really glad not to be poisoning myself, I also wonder why some people don't have such an easy time forgiving. Were their own mistakes not forgiven? What heartaches lead them to hold on to resentment? Current research shows that it is not just a quote--bearing a grudge literally damages our body both by debilitating white cells and preventing new brain cells from developing. Based on that alone, besides reducing the duration of hurt feelings, I should aim to let go of them without even a conversation, as the option is not always available. 

Day 72 ~ Art

I attended an unusual party, an all-day event with various interesting activities throughout the day, including an art session with a local artist from the tango community. A dozen adults and a couple of children joined. She laid out paper and art media on six rectangular tables in a dedicated room. I stared at an unopened box of pastels--the last time I used that material could have been 35 years ago. Inside, two rows of forty small triangular prisms arranged in perfect color order. A rich impossible rainbow to express myself, wondrous! I sat by a special person whose sister, my friend, died four months ago at age forty-four. I was struggling with hurt feelings and sitting by her side gave me comfort. We were instructed to close our eyes and pause for a few minutes before starting. "What is it that you want to create?" I could hear the sweet voice of my Korean art teacher, then silence. Time to start. I took the reddest red, the color of my feelings, and guided it to the center of the sheet. I followed with the darkest yellow, the other color of my country's flag. Next I picked turquoise, my favorite, and made waves on the lower part of my canvas. My sky was two hues of gold that blended perfectly in the middle.

Day 71 ~ Disconnect

I didn't use to understand the term "connect" when talking about people. If people love each other, they surely connect with each other, I used to think. Now I know that some people disconnect their emotions when they don't serve them or when they are not ready to deal with them, and they do it as easily as turning off a light switch. I have a hard time dealing with those people, especially if I love them. When a human being I care about hurts me, I seek him, meet him, confront him, I want to resolve my feelings then and there. I have learned over the years that I may find someone who avoids me, escapes the situation, postpones the resolution... in sum: disconnects.