Day 36 ~ Generosity

Tomorrow we'll be going to a party hosted by a very special family. A couple willing to spend a month in the Ukraine seeking to adopt. They planned to pick up two children under five and came back with three siblings over that age. Their parents were drug addicts and grandma had been taking care of them for years until she needed some financial relief and placed them in an orphanage. She would pick them up for the holidays, hiding the fact that they no longer lived with her at home but not letting go of them. The problem is that by law, after two years in an orphanage, children must be offered up for adoption. Perhaps for that reason, someone tried to dissuade my friends from even meeting the children. They labeled them the worst kids in the orphanage, "All of them have issues, are you sure you want to meet them?" My brave friends decided to meet them anyway. An unkind procedure has children decide whether they want to be adopted by prospective couples with whom they have only spent thirty minutes. Fate would have someone forget about time, letting the happy soon-to-be family play for seven hours. Bliss. The children, ages 9, 7, and 5, had no doubts. "We love you, grandma, but we do want to be part of this nice adoptive family," the older one said at the resolution meeting the next day. The other two followed her older sister's decision. She's now 16 years old.

Day 35 ~ Buddies

I reunited with a friend I hadn't seen in five years. We met at work sixteen years ago, in March. We started having lunch dates and at an early one, she said, referring to a member of my team who was training me: "Too bad you don't work for my team, then you could date X." X turned out to be the love of my life and the father of my son. She moved to a different state just nine months after I met her, but we kept the friendship. I can count on seeing her every five years, when her husband comes back to attend alumni reunions. In between, we usually have hour-long conversations every couple of months. We both like deep heart-to-heart conversations, although we can take on light ones, like the witticism that started our friendship.

Day 34 ~ Sun

The light rays that peek in the house during the winter months, the burning sun of August in Madrid. Its warming powers, its healing touch. I like the sun in all its forms. This morning I put my legs up in the sun because my broken toe was bothering me, and the discomfort went away. In the afternoon I opened the patio door and sunbathed for ten minutes after lunch. I've always liked the sun so much. The condo where I grew up didn't get almost any sun, being a (European) second floor of seven on a one-way street that faced another seven-story building. But the little sun there was, particularly during the spring, was all mine! My cat would do the same, she would find the slits of sunbeams that made it through the balcony door and lie down. I can endure cold, but I can't live without sunshine. 

Day 33 ~ Defects

I discussed with my counselor how to approach my son's comment about not being able to improve behaviors that he doesn't like. "What if I am like that?" She said that the way to look at it is to consider those tendencies he doesn't like in himself not as flaws, but just bad habits--the sooner he gets rid of them, the easier it will be to do it. And also, to present those weaknesses to him (and to all of us) as areas where we haven't reached full maturity.

Day 32 ~ Exchanges

Today we had the last meeting in preparation to host a student from a sister city in Taiwan. He arrives Saturday and will spend a week with us as part of a delegation of twenty-five students. I took part in a student exchange for the first time at age twenty. I spent two weeks in Paris in September and the following year, one of the girls from the family who hosted me came to Madrid. I loved the experience of staying with a family abroad and repeated it six years later in Rome. And the same year again in Saint Petersburg. Every time my goal was to improve my language skills and get to know the culture. The idea stayed dormant for many years, until my son was almost six and I was looking for a music school for him. I contacted a distant friend who plays piano really well to ask her if she could recommend one, given that I didn't like any of the schools I had visited. She said, "I just had an idea. How about if we swap lessons?" So for the next five months we spent Sunday evenings at her home, where she taught my son piano at the same time that I taught her three children Spanish. We are currently part of a more longlasting one. For the past five years my son has been learning German from a native speaker every Saturday. In return, I have taught him Spanish. His teacher (now friend) and I share our rigor to teach. We correct all mistakes, we don't just listen to whatever. To round up his German learning, I have set up my son with with two different exchange families in the past three summers, first in the North and then in the South of Germany. I like exchanges because they makes you put your whole heart into doing a good job, given that you want the same quality in return. Money doesn't quite do that.

Day 31 ~ Decisions

It strikes me that humans are the species that is able to delay a decision the longest time. In the animal kingdom most decisions are made very quickly. But when it comes to humans, pondering whether we should move to a different area, what college we want to attend, or what job offer to pick can take us days, months, or even years. The first hard decision I remember needing to take was choosing between two specialization areas when I was in my third year of college (of a six-year program). There were six to choose from and two that interested me. I spent almost a week thinking about it. I felt completely stuck. One night, the light bulb turned on and I knew it. How? I was able to think of a factor that I hadn't thought about before. One of them lay on the side of math a bit more than the other, which had more to do with physics. Since I like math better than physics... problem solved! Today I dealt with a very different decision in nature. I don't allow dogs at the house rental I own. A very nice lady applied to the property and she seemed perfect until she mentioned she had a dog. She said her dog only went inside her house to sleep and he was very mellow. I wrestled with the decision the whole day. In the end, I realized allowing a dog would make me worry about the rental, and I decided to keep my initial policy. The easiest decisions are the ones that take care of themselves. You like two dresses but one doesn't come in your size, you like two houses but one gets sold before you put in your offer, you like two colleges, but one rejects you. For the rest of them, I try to set an intention to solve them when I go to bed, and often times, I find the solution before getting up.

Day 30 ~ Driving

Today I had to sit in a car almost five hours, I drove two of them. I don't like driving, but it wasn't always like that. I learned how to drive at twelve, way before most kids in my community started, where the legal age to get a driver's license is 18. I had been wanting to learn for a long time. That summer of seventh grade, I was very sad after my parents took me back from my grandparents village, where I had spent four fun-filled weeks with my cousins and local kids. I would need to spend the rest of the summer in our country house, while my cousins continued the fun in the village. As a consolation, my dad taught me how to drive. We would go to the "soccer field" (more like a flat dry soil area where two goals had been placed) of the residential complex and we would switch seats. I started by just putting in first gear for a day or two, then I played with the third for some two weeks. Now I was ready to go on the road. The speed limit allowed going in third gear, so for a couple of weeks 1-2-3 were all in my repertoire. Soon I felt more comfortable and was able to put in 4th and look like a seasoned driver on the roads of the complex. From then on, I could drive to a nearby village and beyond, until the freeway entrance. At that point I would return the wheel back to my dad. One good day, a few months later, when we were about to reach the freeway, my dad said: "Go on. Just keep driving and... you know where the fifth is." I was exultant. For years, I kept using every opportunity I had to take the wheel. I got my own car at nineteen and loved driving for the fun of it. Just two years later, driving had become a necessity, no longer a pleasure. While I was still happy to have my car, I didn't choose to drive hours at a time. Like now.

Day 29 ~ Hospitals

My son's Taiwanese grandpa has been in the hospital for six weeks. He had a stroke and then came down with pneumonia and other complications. After being on a ventilator for a couple of weeks and not managing to get his airways cleared, the doctors deemed a tracheotomy necessary. He had it done today. His second wife's son's ex-wife is visiting him daily and she told us a week ago that he would like to hear his grandson's voice. We sent him a short recording. His visitor told us that he loved it and wanted it played again and again. We sent him a second one, again with my son speaking to him in Chinese. Today when he wakes up from the surgery, he'll listen to the third, which we just recorded. Being in the hospital is a dreadful thing, a little bit of love will ease the pain.

Day 28 ~ News

When I got my own apartment, almost twenty years ago, I paid a cable subscription for two years. I found watching TV a waste of time, which I wanted no part of, so it turned out to be a waste of money instead. The only thing I ever watched back then was news, so I started reading them online from then on, a habit that has carried on through the years. I love being informed of what happens in the world, and despite having left my country that many years ago, it is through its papers that I stay informed. There is always some story I follow closely. In July it was the rescue of the Thai boys trapped in a cave after the water level raised. In August, the attacks that Uber drivers suffered in Spain at the hands of disgruntled taxi drives, seeing their well-established corporate monopoly vanish. In September, the Kavennaugh's nomination to the supreme court and his rise to power despite allegations of rape when he was a high school student. And now the barbaric murder of a Saudi citizen by government officials in his own country's consulate in Istanbul.

Day 27 ~ Ownership

Today in the parenting class we are taking, I brought up an idea from the text book. The premise is that in order to figure out the level of involvement you should offer to your teen, you first need to know who owns the problem. Once you determine that, get involved only if the problem is yours. If it's not, then you can only offer help and stay open, but you should let your teen deal with the problem. Although a plausible procedure, I shared with the group that I don't always know whose problem it is. I gave them the example of violence in movies. I dislike the level of violence that appears to be acceptable for children to watch. It appears to be my son's problem, but I truly believe it is detrimental to expose him to so much violence. Do I get involved? Another example was something that happened today. Two years ago he started worrying about a small birth mark that he has on his forehead. I don't know what triggered it, perhaps somebody asked. He said no. I told him at the time that the fact someone asks doesn't mean it is something to be ashamed of. In any case, I thought we were over it, until today... that I discovered he has been hiding it with make-up for two months before leaving for school. Do I get involved in that one? A teen in the class shared her personal story with a birth mark and how she's put it behind for the most part. A parent said I should allow him to put on make up. She had a birth mark that made her feel embarrassed until she had it surgically removed while in college. I said OK, since you were already an adult, but what about earlier? Others chimed in to say it would be OK to allow him. But what are the limits? What if the child wants to change gender, for example? At that point everyone agreed that it was not a clear-cut issue.

Day 26 ~ Urgent

Two and a half years ago I attended a three-day self development course. One of the most important things I got from the training was to act now. As a Spanish proverb has it, "Don't leave for tomorrow what you can do today." The instructor told us her story of years not getting along with her mom, and not really feeling part of her family of origin. Through personal transformation, she had recently been able to come closer to a lot of people, including her mom. Soon after her mom's final days arrived and she expressed to us the privilege it was for her to part ways with her holding her hand. "Life is urgent," she said. I translate her phrase as a maxim encouraging us to set our priorities right. If we don't do that, we'll end up living a life that doesn't correspond to what we really want. Her reconciliation example meant to illustrate the fact that we only have a limited window of opportunity to take action. Like with food items, there's often an expiration date, or at least a "best before."

Day 25 ~ Memory

Why have I always remembered numbers, and particularly dates, so well? Today I saw "October 15" on the calendar and thought: "Today is Teresa's saint's day. And tomorrow is her birthday." We were around my son's age (14) when I interacted with her. For a year or two we spent many weekend afternoons together, but that was a long time ago. Like Teresa's, I remember many other birthdays from people who mentioned their special dates in passing. Conversely, I often forget names. What is the essential difference between letters and numbers?

Day 24 ~ Truths

Like every Sunday morning, my son had his usual history class today. He connects via webcam for an hour with a friend of mine who is well versed in the subject. He learns by reading some ten pages a week before discussing them with my friend. They follow a book widely used in Spain for his grade. Today I was not awake and when I asked him how it went, he said it went great, he was just a few minutes late. Hours later, I saw a message from my friend saying, "If you can't make it, it is OK, but do let me know." I was upset to find out the wait had been longer than twenty minutes. But what I disliked the most was the half-truth. My son likes to please others, so he resorts to half-truths. Last week we couldn't drop him off at school in the morning and he needed to take the bus. He told us it went well, only to find out from a daily email that he had missed more than half of his first class. I wonder how I can teach him to be more truthful to us. He too wants to be better at that, but he says it is hard. "Perhaps I am like that." I encouraged him saying he could definitely make better choices, but at the same time I recognize we all have traits that are no longer easy to change starting from the teenage years.

Day 23 ~ India

We are hosting a student from India for a week. We picked him up today and took him to an Italian restaurant. Despite coming from a very different culture, he shares a few things with my son: same age, being an only child, and having science as his favorite subject. He's part of the first student delegation exchange to tie bonds between our local city and its sister city in India. He's supposed to learn about American culture, but I warned him that we are surrounded by a large population of his fellow countrymen: a third of the people in this area. My son should be going there in February. I would like to go too.

Day 22 ~ Swimming

For the past ten years, our community has had the pool heater turned off for the season in November. I was disappointed by the announcement that this year they'll do it today, October 12. But I managed to swim before that. It was a double blessing because there is not much exercise I can do these days, with a broken toe. I learned how to swim the year my dad finished making our swimming pool. He did it himself, except for bringing an excavator first and a concrete mixer, a few weeks later, to lay the cement around the steel frame between the double brick wall he had built. He installed all the plumbing as well. As a last step, he engraved its completion date on a side wall, some time in July 1979. We tested it and then emptied it and put the blue paint on. From then on, we would fill it with fresh water every June and let it go green at the end of September. I loved having access to it in the summer. I spent more time diving than swimming. I liked holding my breath while going under the water from one end to the other. At age eighteen I took lessons every weekday of the month of July, swimming one kilometer a day in an Olympic swimming pool. During my pregnancy, I got in the habit of lap swimming for fifteen minutes almost daily during the summer. In recent years, if it is warm enough to get in the water, I swim forty laps, which takes me twelve minutes (it's a small pool). Last month I noticed that my son's new instructor was great correcting technique, so lo and behold, I took a private lesson from him. For being just one lesson, I learned a few things that I can correct. And a few others that remind me that aging makes learning harder.

Day 21 ~ Tidiness

Being organized and meticulous, I like having things in order. But I have been struggling with keeping paperwork in check, despite the gradual digitization of records. It takes me hours to go through piles of mail that I don't tend to for weeks. I dread having to open a letter that will require my finding a place for it or doing some action. Both take time. I end up postponing the tasks. I have heard more than once that I should just throw it all out. And I agree it would not be a bad idea, especially when I find myself in front of the same piece of mail a second time. At that point, I usually do discard it. I wish I got no mail. I am much better with email. I find consolation in thinking that the next generation will not have this problem.

Day 20 ~ Nostalgia

A week ago a friend gave birth. Today I asked how things were going. It brought me back to the times when I was a new mom. I loved everything surrounding it. Aside from the initial nausea, I had a very pleasant pregnancy. I delivered a boy in four hours through the natural birth I wanted. Despite two dozen mastitides, I fulfilled my wish to breastfeed him for as long as he wanted (almost three years). My husband and I cherished every moment spent with our baby, aware of the privilege life had given us. We were the luckiest parents: one playing with him, the other watching and taking photographs. Magical. The day he turned two years and four months exactly, the magic broke. His dad was admitted to the hospital for a simple medical procedure that ultimately led to his death three weeks later. I have worked on grief through the years and made it to the other side, but there is always a seed of pain, and it is the nostalgia of my son's first years of life. I used to say that the day I can look at his baby things and be sure not to cry, that day I will be completely healed. For now I know it is just safer not to look. And when nostalgia knocks uninvited, I walk it gently through me, until it eases off. 

Day 19 ~ Vanity

I lined up at the counter for my doctor's appointment. There were two people in front of me. The receptionist said, "If you are going to be seen for your hand, there is another lobby down the hall." I said, "If not, we just wait here?" "Yes." Then she looked at the first person in line. As a reflex, I did too. I saw him turning his head from looking at me to meeting the eyes of the person behind the counter, who had just asked: "What's your name?" That quick glance at his swinging face was enough to realize I knew his name. I could have said it. But I didn't react on time, I could have made a good anecdote by spelling out his name to the receptionist. Besides, what if I were wrong? Soon enough a smile from my prior colleague confirmed I wasn't. As soon as we were both checked in, he greeted me with: "You don't look a day older than when I last saw you. Not a single day!" The best compliment to my vanity, given that the last time he saw me was almost eighteen years ago.

Day 18 ~ Counseling

For my appointment today I brought up something big, a letter that my mother wrote to me. Words no daughter would like to get from her mom. Her pain and hopelessness are evident. Other times, the topic has been work, love, or parenting. For almost a decade, my counselor has helped me see things from a different perspective, get acquainted with my blind angle while being less strict with myself. I often think counseling would have been the perfect career for me. I am a good observer, I read people well, and what I like the most in life is helping others. Too late now.

Day 17 ~ Multilingualism

My son naturally learned two languages, my native one and the local. I didn't want him to just learn Spanish, I wanted him to be at grade level with his Spanish peers, at least in non-common subjects. In order to achieve that, throughout his school years I have set aside time to teach him two Spanish subjects, language arts and history. About a year and a half ago, I asked a friend who has a degree in history to take over that one, knowing that he would do a much better job. For language, however, I feel completely comfortable. I love every aspect of it. As a child, that was the one class I never really needed to study for, I would learn the lesson as I listened to it. Language had no secrets for me, I always got a straight A. That can be the seed for my love of languages in general. English at school. Then French, German, Russian, Italian. I called it quits. I used to say, "I love Greek, but I'm too old to learn it. I'll do it in my next life." Fifteen years after that, I learned Chinese, which I now speak at home daily.

Day 16 ~ Oktoberfest

We got a hold of some authentic beers and hosted an Oktoberfest. Only six are approved to to be served at the event, they need to follow the purity law of 1516 Germany and be brewed in Munich. A breakdown of the adults sitting at our table today, besides me: one American (of Jewish descent), one German, one Russian, and two Chinese. They brought us fried rice, boiled sausages, potato salad, Pretzels, apple cider, Apfelstrudel, and mochi. The Spanish touch I shared was "banderillas," a short skewer holding pickled vegetables (a cucumber, an onion, an olive, and a piece of spicy pepper), the size of a finger. We ate and talked and sang for almost five hours. We even managed to have beer left for another party.

Day 15 ~ Fracture

In almost 48 years, I had never broken a bone. For being the first time, it was very unglamorous: stubbing a toe against a table leg. I've never inflicted so much pain to myself at a home accident. The ER visit wasn't any more fun: first the confirmation to have broken the bone; then the fact that it was an ugly fracture and that they needed to try to put it in place, which meant two injections with a big needle. To top it all, the adjustment didn't work and the doctor had to do it again. However, all this pales in comparison with the fact that I will have to stay away from volleyball for a few months.

Day 14 ~ Listening

Today I noticed that I need to do better at it. And I don't mean the kind of deep listening that means caring, I do care. I want to listen, but I notice how sometimes I get distracted when people are talking to me. I know it's not just me, I notice friends forgetting things I told them. So I want to be forgiving of myself the same way I forgive them, but what bothers me is that it is often the result of rushing through life, of lack of mindfulness, and that is what I want to watch.

Day 13 ~ Parenting

My partner of eight years and I are taking a seven-week parenting class, along with other fifty parents from our school district. Today we discussed beliefs, where they come from, and how they inform our feelings. A parent struggled with getting her son to keep a clean and tidy room, and she would often give in and clean it for him. "I can't stand seeing his mess. Besides, I want to teach him to be independent." The parent's belief: "To do well in life, one needs to have a clean room." The facilitator pointed out there is nothing wrong with that belief, but she needs to be aware that it is her belief what's making her feel bad. "You're cleaning the room for you. Besides, how is that teaching him to be independent?" he said. Other than the awareness that behind every feeling, there is a belief, the parenting lesson is to pay attention to modeling. Our tens are watching us and forming their own beliefs, based on our values, which they learn from what we say and do. Their today's beliefs will trigger their tomorrow's feelings.

Day 12 ~ Arguments

People argue for a variety of reasons. Most of the times, I do it to gain understanding. I want to know how your point of view may be better than mine. I don't need to be right, your way may indeed be better, but I will only change my mind if I see it. If I don't, I may look hardheaded, but it is just that I am analyzing your logic, as if I had to do an assessment on a purchase. If I manage to understand how your perspective is better than mine, I'll take it. Naturally, if the other party argues for the same reason, it will be easy to relate and "complete the analysis" together. The problem is that sometimes that is not the case. The other person may be angry or hurt, may like winning arguments, or may argue for the sake of arguing, and that is why I find it important to look beyond the argument and into the motivation before proceeding.

Day 11 ~ Teenagers

Not long ago my son and I would refer to them as "crazy teenagers" if we caught them doing something funky on the street. At fourteen, he's now one of them. I struggle with him seemingly doing what the herd dictates. I hear that it is normal--they need to feel that they belong. But I didn't have that problem growing up, so it is hard to relate. My main challenge at the time was socializing with boys. Coming from an all-girls Catholic school, I felt uncomfortable around guys. I couldn't act natural. I would have so liked to have gone to a coed school. Ironically, my son didn't want to have anything to do with girls for the longest time (he has moved on to ignoring them, which is progress). So in my twenties, I had to learn how to interact with members of the opposite sex, while he will have to work on finding his own voice.

Day 10 ~ Time

Today I watched Groundhog Day with my family. When it came out, it became my favorite comedy. "What if there is no tomorrow? There wasn't one today." Hilarious! Later viewings also revealed a brilliant allegory: changing the outcome of what matters is up to us, and the only asset we are given to carry out the mission is time. I have always been intrigued by time. For my first communion, I was given a digital watch. For years I would try to catch the precise moment that 23:59 turned into 00:00, which would also trigger an even more exciting date change. Something that had just been... no longer was. At age eleven I thought time went by very slowly. At twelve, I noticed that while some weeks still went by slowly, others seemed to fly. By age thirteen, days, weeks, years have been zooming by. In my thirties I realized I could start sorting memories by decades, no less. And recently, it dawned on me that I had likely lived more years than I had left. Not that I am not keen on juicing the present, but the thought was just one more reminder that time ticks away.