Day 27 ~ Ownership

Today in the parenting class we are taking, I brought up an idea from the text book. The premise is that in order to figure out the level of involvement you should offer to your teen, you first need to know who owns the problem. Once you determine that, get involved only if the problem is yours. If it's not, then you can only offer help and stay open, but you should let your teen deal with the problem. Although a plausible procedure, I shared with the group that I don't always know whose problem it is. I gave them the example of violence in movies. I dislike the level of violence that appears to be acceptable for children to watch. It appears to be my son's problem, but I truly believe it is detrimental to expose him to so much violence. Do I get involved? Another example was something that happened today. Two years ago he started worrying about a small birth mark that he has on his forehead. I don't know what triggered it, perhaps somebody asked. He said no. I told him at the time that the fact someone asks doesn't mean it is something to be ashamed of. In any case, I thought we were over it, until today... that I discovered he has been hiding it with make-up for two months before leaving for school. Do I get involved in that one? A teen in the class shared her personal story with a birth mark and how she's put it behind for the most part. A parent said I should allow him to put on make up. She had a birth mark that made her feel embarrassed until she had it surgically removed while in college. I said OK, since you were already an adult, but what about earlier? Others chimed in to say it would be OK to allow him. But what are the limits? What if the child wants to change gender, for example? At that point everyone agreed that it was not a clear-cut issue.